Noah's articles
Sources indicate that while reading “The Grapes of Wrath” for a comparative literature course this Wednesday, Victor Shanahan ‘16 cautiously wrote “Symbolism?” in the margin of the book. After initially highlighting only half of the adjacent paragraph, Shanahan proceeded to mark the entire passage, underlining many of the nouns and verbs according to no immediately discernible criteria.
This Thursday, according to government officials, terrorists raised the terror alert to the level that indicates that terrorists have seized control of the terror alert system.
“Be advised that the terrorism threat level in the United States has been raised,” said an anonymous spokesperson for the terrorist organization behind the recent infiltration of the National Terrorism Advisory System.
According to sources, Mark Hitchley, a heterosexual white male who recently graduated from a top ranking university, thinks of himself as an underdog.
“Plenty of times in my life it seemed like the cards were stacked against me,” said Hitchley, whose skin color, gender, sexual orientation and socioeconomic background combine to more or less ensure that he never has to encounter even a fraction of the obstacles faced by his less privileged peers on a daily basis.
According to a new study by cosmologists at the University of Chicago, the View Askewniverse, the fictional world in which many of writer-director Kevin Smith’s films take place, is expanding.
The third game between the New York Yankees and the Kansas City Royals came to a halt this Friday after a hit by Yankees right fielder Carlos Beltrán sent the ball over the fence and into Old Man Stinson’s yard. “Nice one, Beltrán,” said Royals pitcher James Shields as players from both teams gathered at the fence separating the outfield from Stinson’s yard, some daring to sneak peaks over the fence at the forbidden yard just beyond the ballpark’s boundary.
According to a recent press release, the new CoverClear Concealer from Revlon is “chemically proven to erase signs of aging like blemishes, wrinkles, and all of these bodies oh my God there are so many.” The directions on the back of the product’s packaging instruct the user to "simply apply a small drop of Revlon CoverClear and watch as it elegantly masks unflattering sunspots and the severed heads of all the victims what have I done there is so much blood.” The new line of concealer from Revlon hits stores this month, with a new series of television spots to air during primetime programming.
Following tech investor David Strohm’s recent success in the stock market, Strohm’s son Michael made the difficult decision this Wednesday to move his 40-year-old father into an early retirement home.
According to Michael, it just became too difficult to care for his extremely wealthy and relatively young father at home.
After a roadside bomb exploded near Kabul yesterday killing 12 U.S. soldiers, many were surprised to find that according to this photo taken four years ago, President Obama appears to think the attack is extremely humorous.
We’re Closing, a local restaurant themed after the act of closing a restaurant, yesterday announced plans to close its doors for the last time after 40 years of closing its doors for the last time, but this time will be the last last time.
During a round of student feedback in a workshop for LITR0110: “Fiction I” this Wednesday, Alan Schaeffer ’16 suggested that classmate Amy Wilson’s story, “Purple Ashes,” could be “a little bit shorter maybe.” "You could trim it a little bit, I think,” said Schaeffer, a student in the class of 12 writers who meet once a week to give notes on each other’s stories.
Good evenin’, sir. Many thanks indeed for answering the door on such a stormy night, when the wind’s a-blowing and the snow’s a-swirling. It’s on nights like this that I must rely on the kindness of magnanimous souls such as yourself. For I am but a weary traveler hoping to gain shelter for the night and bury my pee pee around your house while you sleep.
A cult group claiming to be followers of a so-called “Christ” has begun their annual festival of virgin birth.
Members of the fringe religious sect inaugurate the winter festival by erecting an uprooted evergreen tree in their homes and decorating it with small cultic idols.
According to various sources, a group of local dads are locked and loaded for a jam session at Greg’s this Sunday.
“Billy Marisco says he’s down, Tommy Goldman, Cesar Rubio, Marty Chandler,” said jam session host Greg Boda on a recent email thread with the subject line, “Jam at Greg’s this Sunday???”
“Well, fellas,” he added, “looks like we’re all set to jam!”
Sources indicate that the jam will take place, as usual, in Boda’s basement, which has been converted into a home music studio complete with amps, two mic stands, effects pedals, a Miller High Life neon sign, soundproof paneling, a lava lamp, several vintage rock posters, a Leslie Rotator, Boda’s LP collection, Boda’s CD collection, and a Fender Rhodes.
According to sources outside Veronica Chase Dance Studio this afternoon, a businessman watching a dance class through the front window dared to imagine what if.
“What if I just gave Robertson my notice tomorrow and demanded my month’s pay on the spot,” the man reportedly speculated, watching as a ballet instructor demonstrated for the class a versatile, complex and elegant choreography.
According to several characters in the new dramatic feature from Fox Searchlight, “A Day in October,” the central conflict of the film seemed insurmountable until it was suddenly resolved by everyone just getting a really nice haircut.
“For a lot of us, it was pretty unclear how we were supposed to piece together the fragments of our fractured lives after the mass shooting at our local mall claimed the lives of many loved ones and community members,” said Pascal Darvies, local police chief and protagonist of the film.
According to a recent report by the Department of Defense, the U.S. government has been tracking high scores on the classic arcade game “Galaga” in order to scout for potential fighter pilots for the U.S. Arcade Game Tournament Team.
“In order to reach a high score in ‘Galaga,’ players must demonstrate certain key skills that are also critical to piloting fighter jets,” explained Senior Defense Official Alex Ramirez.
Hi, guys. I know fans of “Breaking Bad” are sad about the show ending, and I am too. “Breaking Bad” was a defining moment in my career and my life. But it’s over now, and we all have to move on.
Which is why I’m pleased to announce that I actually have a brand new idea for a show.
Walter Gordon, security guard at the local grocery store, keeps watch over the premises with a 3-by-3 array of nine little black-and-white television sets that display a live video feed from several cameras stationed around the property. He insists, however, that he is only using the little TVs until he saves up for a big TV.
After finally purchasing a plane ticket home for the holidays, President Obama expressed dread at the inevitable prospect of having to repeatedly defend his employment situation to relatives over the Christmas holiday.
“I just know it’s not gonna sound like a real job when I describe it to them,” said Obama, who is decidedly not looking forward to making the trip back home to celebrate Christmas with his family this year.
Centuries of innovation have been building towards a critical moment in human ingenuity that I believe we are fast approaching. I am speaking of the phenomenon known as the singularity. It is the climax of technological advancement that will afford us the scientific means of transcending our own mortality through rapid and exponential technological growth.
In a recent press release, ConAgra Foods, manufacturers of Slim Jim, announced that all advertisements for the dried sausage snack food would henceforth be directed at some guy named Lance.
The new marketing strategy has already resulted in several alterations to the brand’s slogan and logo.
According to various sources, puny baby does not stand a chance against an opponent like powerful mommy.
“Puny baby had better think again if he thinks he’s gonna get out of this one alive,” said one spectator. “I mean just look at the muscle on that mommy! Look at her, and tell me that’s not a powerful mommy.”
In addition to being significantly larger than puny baby, powerful mommy is also considerably older, has a fully developed brain, and knows many of puny baby’s moves, having given birth to puny baby and raised him up to this point.
According to sources within the Warren house, local father and avid mountain biker David Warren won’t stop showing his daughter’s boyfriend, Josh, all of his GoPro mountain biking videos.
“After dinner, he took me into the living room and said he had something to show me,” said Josh, who has been dating Warren’s daughter, Kathy, for two weeks.
The science fiction film “Riddick,” starring Vin Diesel, follows the adventures of the film’s title character as he attempts to escape from a treacherous planet. However, unlike previous films in the action-packed franchise, a recently released bootleg version of “Riddick” also features a charming subplot about a bumbling bootleg filmmaker who just can’t seem to do anything right.
10-year-old Daniel Fuller made headlines on Tuesday after leaking classified documents detailing Janine and Carl Fuller’s sweeping Parental Controls operation that monitored the online activity and communications of American citizens, specifically their own two children.
A recent review of Billboard Hot 100 lists from the last 50 years revealed that Al Stewart’s jazz-pop piano ballad, “Year of the Cat,” has somehow gone unnoticed at No. 8 on the list since its release in 1977.
Stewart, whose idiosyncratic songwriting is perhaps most characterized by his obsession with historical subject matter, first achieved success with “Year of the Cat” in 1977 when the single reached No.
During a well-attended ceremony held at City Hall this Wednesday, area man Greg Pittman was presented with the Civilian Medal of Heroism, honoring the local bartender and part-time mechanic for valiantly not committing a hate crime.
Despite having multiple opportunities to commit myriad hate crimes, Pittman instead made the brave choice not to carry out senseless acts of violence against people based solely on their ethnicity, religious affiliation or sexual orientation.
Visitors to Six Flags Magic Mountain were disappointed this week when they were told that no human on earth is tall enough to ride the park’s newest roller coaster, the Cosmic Cyclone.
“With most rides, you have to be at least 48 inches in order to ride, while the slightly more intense coasters might require a height of 54 inches,” explained ride attendant, Clark Olmer, standing next to a sign stretching 20 feet into the air with the words “Must Be At Least This Tall To Ride” printed above a barely visible red line at the top.
Though David Haymer ’16 has a fervent desire to download and stream Internet pornography, the sophomore English concentrator just can’t figure out where to find it on the Web.
“I’ve heard a lot about Internet pornography, and I really want to check it out,” remarked Haymer.
Senate proceedings were briefly interrupted this Wednesday, when several mean-spirited senators put Sen. Harry Reid at number three on their “Hottest Girls in the Senate” list.
“Really funny, guys,” Reid remarked as he attempted to remove the list, which had been taped to the door of the Senate where everyone in the whole Senate could see it.
On Wednesday, after completing a team building exercise mandated by their superiors, a group of co-workers commenced a group hug, only to abandon it seconds later for an intense round of one-on-one, person-to-person hugging.
Sources involved in the mano-a-mano hug fest reported that the decision to translate the group hug into a more personal, one-to-one series of hugs was spontaneous.
Audiences at the Westmark Cinema 14 were confused this weekend when a movie whose poster made it seem like it was going to be a real movie, actually ended up being a documentary.
The poster for “Demolition Squad” features an image of an exploding car and the tag line “What would you do to save the ones you love?” both of which seem to suggest that the movie contains real movie things like explosions, sex scenes and an entertaining fictional plot line.
In Monday’s address to the University, President Christina Paxson revealed that though she strongly supports gay marriage as a local business owner, she remains unsure about it as a character named Josh that she’s been workshopping at comedy clubs in the greater New England area.
According to reports from area woman Christine Rosky, come on, you totally know who she’s talking about. Seriously, come on. You know this guy.
No, says Rosky, she’s not talking about that one guy with the nose piercing, or the one with the weird lip thing, or that rat tail guy who hit on you at Jessie’s beach thing.
This Wednesday, CBS pulled the plug on area man Robert Kelley, citing a protracted decline in ratings as the reason for the 35-year-old dog walker’s mid-season cancellation.
“CBS is sad to confirm that this season of Robert Kelley will be his last,” the network announced in a statement issued Wednesday night.
It’s that special time of year again. The birds are singing. The sun is shining. Ah, yes, I think it’s safe to say that spring is in the air. Along with my head. My head is also in the air.
Someone just chopped my head off of my body.
Things are changing all around us! Suddenly people are out and about, having picnics with friends or just walking around, taking in the fresh springtime air.
Okay, despite whatever flaws you guys might have with regards to sinning and stuff, can I just say that I am really impressed? I mean, honestly, I’m super surprised you were able to figure all this physics stuff out.
It’s, like, really hard!
Seriously, though, it’s definitely not intuitive, and yet, somehow you still managed to figure out all this really crazy math and science stuff with no help from me whatsoever.
According to sources, local 9-year-old Ryan Avery is running around the pool at speeds that suggest he has some sort of death wish. Paying seemingly no heed to warnings issued by community pool lifeguards, Avery has been rounding the pool’s slippery periphery with a certain devil-may-care confidence that can only mean the deep-end certified third-grader has thrown caution to the wind in an adrenaline-fueled flirtation with his own mortality.
Man, remember “Ally McBeal?” What a great show. Lots of laughs. Great music. Just a classic ensemble cast full of incredibly talented people who all seemed to really gel with each other. You gotta think they all still hang out together from time to time.
According to various students enrolled in FREN 0100, Tyler Lassen ’16 has been making some pretty serious statements regarding the weather.
Lassen, who has previously focused his critical lens on such topics as family members, favorite foods and the various ways of asking for the time, did not hesitate to give his conversation exercise partner, Katherine Byrnes ’16, his unabashed opinion of the day’s weather.
Since discovering the site in October, local father Damien Whitman has gotten pretty snazzy with these JibJab.com face substitution things.
The popular online videos allow users to substitute the faces of characters in animations with their own personal photos, and send out the personalized videos via email.
Whoomp, there it is. Local authorities confirmed this Wednesday that area man Douglas Berg is on a fucking roll.
According to police officials, Berg has been on a roll since Sunday, when he consecutively guessed several correct answers while watching a rerun of the television game show “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.” In the following days, Berg has reportedly been on fire, like literally tearing it up right now, uh-thank you very much.
According to area man Reggie Foster, several of the items at this neighborhood potluck are, in fact, what he is talking about. “Spinach casserole, Diane’s enchilada lasagna, Rob’s red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting,” says Foster.
So here’s the deal:
We decided to have ourselves a little vote. The results just came in, and the decision is unanimous. We all voted and now you have to eat this.
We realize that you may not want to eat this, but that matters little because we voted, so you don’t really have a choice.
Hi Mom, it’s me. I didn’t want you to stay up all night worrying about me, so I thought I’d call and let you know that I’m probably dead or kidnapped or lying in a ditch somewhere.
I know you appreciate it when I check in with you after a night out with the guys, so I just wanted to make sure you weren’t wondering about what might have happened to me.
Area man James Ellis announced Wednesday that his only real friend is the Korean tour group that has been visiting museums and historic sites in the area for the past three days.
“You guys are basically all I got,” a visibly moved Ellis announced to the group of 30 Koreans during a mid-tour bathroom break at the Museum of American Aviation.
According to eyewitness reports, local six-year-old Bradley Wilson is just laughing his fucking head off. The laughing appears to have started sometime around a minute ago when an unknown cause led Wilson to drop to the floor and explode in a fit of joyous laughter.
Providence resident Allison Rosenberg has been happily dating her new boyfriend, Craig, for three weeks, and while the relationship is going well, she only wishes that he did not always behave like such a highly trained mercenary when talking to waiters.
According to preliminary reports, that woman carrying her newborn son around like he is a purse is actually kind of rocking it.
Professor of Anthropology David Harding began Tuesday’s lecture for ANTH 0202: “Introduction to Methods in Anthropology” with a brief explanation of “social Darwinism,” paying seemingly no heed to the luminescent radioactive sewage coating his entire body.
With Election Day fast approaching, Green Party activist and former presidential candidate Ralph Nader has his staff working around the clock to figure out if there is any possible way for him to completely fuck everything up.
“I know I’m not running this time, so things are maybe different,” said Nader this week to members of his staff.
Authorities and village persons have called into question a local boy’s cries of “wolf” after considering the boy’s somewhat dubious wolf-crying track record.
“According to shepherd testimony, on two previous occasions, said boy issued fallacious cries of ‘wolf’ in an effort to publicly humiliate local shepherds,” remarked Chief Investigator and village blacksmith Michael Cunningham at a press conference held Thursday evening.
Congratulations on getting this job! We're happy that you're joining our team here and we look forward to working with you to help improve our business by ensuring we provide the best possible shopping experience for our customers!
Before you begin at your new position, we would just like to familiarize you with the most critical tenet of our customer service policy, our official customer service motto:
"The Customer Is Always!"
Unfortunately, many people take issue with this idea, at least at first.
Unsure how to socialize with peers in an easygoing and casual manner, Darren Wesley ‘15 has instead committed to satirizing a Coors Light beer can label for the duration of the party.
“Well, I was feeling pretty awkward because I’m not a good conversationalist and I don’t usually like going to parties,” remarked Wesley.
Since freshman orientation began, every time Garrett Epstein ‘16 meets a new person, he subsequently imagines the four-year trajectory of their friendship at Brown University.
Upon making the acquaintance of classmate Allison Blake ’16, he immediately envisioned the next four years of their relationship.
Disregarding hundreds of years of superstition, Dennis Harvey ’16 walked through the Van Wyckle gates twice during convocation and was immediately destroyed by God.
The gates are known to have ruined the lives of those who dare to disobey its seemingly arbitrary commandment of only walking through them once before graduation.
Americans across the nation are celebrating after the White House released a report this Monday indicating a national increase for the month of August. The increase is welcome news considering the unfortunate streak of decrease that has plagued the nation for nearly all of 2012.
Following the tragic car accident that claimed the life of Providence nine-year-old Mitchell Brenner, the Brenner family has taken solace only in the fact that the deceased Mitchell will now know to look both ways before crossing the street.
In a recent statement regarding the loss of her son, Debra Brenner remarked, “this is truly a family tragedy.” She added, “but it’s also a great learning opportunity for Mitchy.
Tuesday’s release of the digitally remastered 11th Anniversary Collector’s Edition of 9/11 has die-hard Al Qaeda fans shaking their heads in disapproval.
As one self-described “Al Qaeda super-fan” explained, “When they go back and add these special effects and CGI, it takes away from the magic of the original.” He continued, “We like the old 9/11 and we’re not interested in this digitally revamped piece of garbage.”
In addition to several previously deleted acts of terrorism and an alternate ending in which Osama bin Laden tricks George W.
What’s his name, that actor from that TV show or something, recognized himself this afternoon, but couldn’t remember what he knew himself from.
“Maybe I saw myself in a commercial, or I had a bit part on Law and Order SVU?” whatever his name is asked himself, inspecting his uncannily familiar and yet conspicuously unplaceable face in a mirror.
Ant farmer Lionel Stevenson is concerned about the increasingly real prospect of a fruitless harvest. Also, the huge human face watching him.
According to Stevenson, this year’s crops have proven to be less than successful. “We planted for months, but nothing will grow,” remarked Stevenson.
In the midst of applying for several summer internships, Alex Rubin ’14 couldn’t help but find himself disillusioned with the internship opportunities he was found.
“They all seemed so cold and disconnected from real life,” said Rubin. “I suddenly realized I was craving an internship where I could work with my hands.” He added, “You know, stack fish all day.”
According to Rubin, an internship consisting of making coffee for office workers and answering phones would fail to contribute to his growth as a human being.
This week the Avon announced plans to show a film one or two people you know will almost go see.
The film, which is an independent film distributed by a major studio, is titled “Hazel Summer” or “Retiring the Fergussons” or “Achoo!” (German title: Hatschi!) and may very well be presented with subtitles, though that doesn’t mean it’ll be any good at all.
At a press conference Tuesday morning, action figure Pyro Joe announced that he would begin bath time by waging naval warfare, then proceed to dangle off a cliff and finally end up clogging the drain with his plastic head.
“These orders come to me straight from Skyler,” said Pyro Joe.
Jeffrey, there’s something your mother and I have to say to you. Now, you know we love you very much, and nothing would ever change that. That said, there’s something we’ve been meaning to share with you for a long time, and we feel it’s important that you hear it.
Sources report that even though local Providence father John Davis tried to say “sexy” like it was no big deal or something it was definitely weird.
Davis, who is well into his late forties and owns many Hawaiian shirts, was having a discussion with his family when he decided to use the word “sexy.”
“It was like he wanted to say it all casually and off-hand,” remarked Davis’s 15-year-old son, Alex, “but it totally came out sounding like a sex-crime.
The nation’s teenagers surprised many late Tuesday night when they announced a tentative plan to “keep it down in there.”
The decision to “keep it down” comes as a response to a recent appeal issued by the nation’s parents of teenagers.
Iranians and Israelis are celebrating the end of the hostile and violent relations between their two countries after Israel recently prevented any further bloodshed by bombing Iran and subsequently declaring “no bomb-backs.”
“We were ready to hit them right after they bombed us,” remarked an Iranian Defense Department officer, “but then we heard that they had declared ‘no bomb-backs.’”
“Rules are rules,” he added.
In the ruins of an ancient Greek temple, archaeologists recently discovered what they believe to be the original manuscript of Homer’s epic poem “The Iliad.” Upon translation of the millennia-old text, researchers were surprised to find that in the original version the Greek warrior Achilles, famous for meeting his bloody end with an arrow in his heel, was actually killed by an “arrow to the dick.”
Providence resident James Easton was momentarily moved this week when he mistook a bad case of indigestion for fatherly pride. The confusing incident took place shortly after Easton returned from a dinner celebrating his son’s recent graduation from medical school.
Hungover members of Congress were confused this morning when they woke up sprawled out over desks, in some cases lying in pools of their own vomit and urine, unsure of “what happened last night.”
After pulling the blinds and dimming the lights to diminish the sharp ringing that penetrated the skulls of American lawmakers, a long succession of hearings was held to determine what exactly had occurred.
According to witness reports, white guy Michael Cardiff ’12 sounded like a black guy for a second there.
Fifteen were killed, and seventeen are now without arms and feet after a typo caused twenty trucks filled with bears to be delivered to Sigma Chi this Friday in what authorities are calling a tragic five hundred beer delivery mix-up.
“I emailed Mike to order five hundred beers for this kick-ass party we were gonna have this weekend,” said James Winthrop ’12.
The National Basketball Players Association released a statement earlier this week in which all NBA players unanimously admitted to “feeling self-conscious about visible armpit hair.”
According to a report recently released by the CIA, elderly Providence resident Lionel Earle has been waging a secret war against everyone for as long as 25 years. The CIA reported that Earle first declared war on the “’goddamn college kid neighbors’ who played their ‘loud raps music’ so that he couldn’t sleep” back in 1986. Shortly thereafter, Earle’s war grew to include “all the ‘dumb-ass lard-heads on his street,’ and from there it escalated to the national level.”
Jonathan Phillips ’15 had hardly finished moving in to his second-floor room in Andrews Hall and saying a tearful goodbye to his family when a traumatic event interrupted the otherwise-spirited occasion. An unidentified, totally random male wearing a Brown sweatshirt barged into the room and, “just started putting up these pseudo-ironic ‘Pearl Jam’ posters all over the wall,” Phillips told the Noser.
When Alex Kahn ’15 arrived at Orientation this weekend, he had high hopes for his social life at Brown.
“I thought it was gonna be a breeze making friends, what with how my dad is, like, super rich and I’m from New York,” he said.
But Kahn did not anticipate how large a percentage of the school would be financially secure.
According to reputable, albeit pretty shit-faced sources, Wayne Finney '14 began Saturday night with "a couple of brewskis" which turned in to "a whole bunch of brewskis," which turned back into "like, one or two brewskis," which suddenly, amidst so many brewskis, turned into "a gallon of vodka" and "some anti-bacterial hand gel.
According to a recent poll conducted by the perennially relevant Brown Daily Herald, Professor of Urban Studies George Moran is still primarily male and white. The results of this most recent poll differ only slightly from a similar survey conducted last year that reported at least 10 percent of students found Moran to be "possibly part Eskimo or Latino, maybe" and 13 percent thought he "might look like a girl if it were dark, he was wearing a wig and you were squinting really hard.
Good morning, guests of the 2011 Innovation and Technology Conference here in beautiful Miami, Florida. My name is Randall Stephenson, and I'm the CEO of AT&T. Now I know what some of you are thinking: "I bet he's peeing his $10,000 limited-edition Armani pants right now, what with the recent release of the new Verizon iPhones.
Providence resident Gary Walton was channel surfing Wednesday night when he stumbled across an episode of Animal Planet's "Pet Star," a show featuring animals tricked into performing wild and zany feats with the elusive promise of being fed.
"I saw the dog on the TV," recounted Walton, "and that's when I got the idea: what if my dog saw the dog on TV?"
Walton had many hypotheses about what would happen when his dog Atticus, a Chow Hound whose name he denies comes from the father in "To Kill A Mockingbird," would see the dog on television.
Blake Levy, who is in Mrs. Wallace's first grade class at Plain Oaks Elementary, sat down for his usual Monday afternoon "Juice Box-Oreos-TV" routine.
When Donald Finnerly, a graduate student in the Literary Arts department, sat down this Sunday to grade the latest batch of short stories from his Fiction I class, one of the pieces jogged his memory.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
