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Sources report that freshman Adam Alvins is discovering what it means to be a real, independent adult by sitting on the Main Green and eating a banana.
“Ah, this is the good life isn’t it,” exclaimed an earnest Alvins, lounging in a COVID-containment circle on the green and pulling a banana out of his backpack. “Nobody to tell me where to sit, what to do, who to be! Just me and my trusty banana.”
“See, this right here is the real college experience,” declared Alvins, peeling back the skin on his overly ripe Ratty banana. “I had to go get this whole banana myself, choose where I wanted to eat it, not to mention figuring out what time of day would be optimal for banana consumption. It’s a lot to ask of one person, but I’m figuring it out one step at a time.”
“Just look at all these kids, trying to figure out where life is going to take them,” pondered Alvins, nibbling around a bruised part of his banana. “Man, I’ve been there, life is hard. You gotta stick it out for the good moments like these where life just gets real simple.”
“The sun in my face, the wind in my hair, the smell of banana, what more could I ask for,” proclaimed Alvins, placing the limp banana peel in a tidy little pile next to him. “I think I’ve really found my place here. Just lying here and gazing at the students around me, I feel at home and at peace in the world. This is what life’s all about.”
At press time, Alvins was adding a cookie to his Jo’s order and feeling like a true grown-up.
