Sources report that mutual friend Anna Miller left to go use the restroom leaving loose acquaintances Chloe Finnigan and Alex Thomas to regress into a deep, unending silence.
“Uh so the weather’s nice today, isn’t it?” remarked Finnigan nervously, as social paralysis began to creep over the acquaintances who realized they had never actually spent time together alone until this very moment.
Sources report that freshman Adam Alvins is discovering what it means to be a real, independent adult by sitting on the Main Green and eating a banana.
“Ah, this is the good life isn’t it,” exclaimed an earnest Alvins, lounging in a COVID-containment circle on the green and pulling a banana out of his backpack.
Sources report that the Brown mailroom playlist is the closest thing to a rager that freshman Tyler Jenkins has ever experienced.
“It was a wild mid-afternoon,” said Jenkins, excitedly recounting the only approximation of a party now available.
After clicking the link to enter a scheduled Zoom meeting, area man Graham Anderson reported that he wasn’t sure if he was connected to the audio, give him one sec.
“Oops… sorry everyone… looks like I’m having a little trouble connecting… let me just…” mumbled Anderson as he fiddled around with the Zoom audio hardware settings.
Sources report that the alternative meal option at the Ratty is just a beginner’s guide to foraging wild mushrooms.
“I guess I’m supposed to gather my own mushrooms for lunch,” said junior Adam Kensington, who ordered an alternative meal expecting the usual simple starch and boiled chicken.
Sources report that Todd Anderson, a junior with off-campus privileges, is repeating “sublet” like he’s on an HGTV show.
“Our budget was limited, but we really wanted a place that was move-in ready,” Anderson explained as if he were on a reality television show about home buying.
Slowly repeating his motions to demonstrate proper form, area man Chris Horton explained to his girlfriend that frisbee is all in the wrist.
“All it takes is a little flick of the wrist,” Horton explained, effortlessly tossing the frisbee to his girlfriend.
Sources report that a student handing out newspapers clarifiedm “Don’t worry, it’s the Brown Noser,” to a frightened passerby.
“I could see the fear in that guy’s eyes,” explained Noser Staff Writer Sarah Hart, recalling the momentary panic she caused by offering him a copy of the new Noser issue.
Sources report that the playlist for a Brown Political Review party last night was just the lastest episode of The Daily on repeat.
“I went in expecting there to be some kind of music,” explained Macy Rockwell, who attended the party as a guest.
According to various sources, area man Ted Miller is definitely underestimating how big of a bowl he needs to make that salad.
“Well, this seems like a good size,” said Miller, grossly underestimating the amount of space his romaine salad would occupy.
On the car ride home from the movies with her family, local mom Sharon Johnson muttered under her breath that she was “pretty sure she knew that actor from something.”
“C’mon you guys,” Johnson said, rapidly typing things into Google with one finger.
Sources confirmed yesterday that the potted plant in Archibald 432 wishes it didn’t need so much fucking sunlight either.
“I don’t know why I’m like this,” the plant complained. “If I don’t get enough sunlight, I wilt. That’s just how it is.