Tuesday, October 19, 2021
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The Brown Noser

Luci Jones

Writer

Luci's articles

Loose Acquaintances Regress Into Deep, Unending Silence After Mutual Friend Goes To Use Restroom | Sep 17 2021

Sources report that mutual friend Anna Miller left to go use the restroom leaving loose acquaintances Chloe Finnigan and Alex Thomas to regress into a deep, unending silence. “Uh so the weather’s nice today, isn’t it?” remarked Finnigan nervously, as social paralysis began to creep over the acquaintances who realized they had never actually spent time together alone until this very moment.

Freshman Eating Banana On Main Green Discovering What It Means To Be Real, Independent Adult | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that freshman Adam Alvins is discovering what it means to be a real, independent adult by sitting on the Main Green and eating a banana. “Ah, this is the good life isn’t it,” exclaimed an earnest Alvins, lounging in a COVID-containment circle on the green and pulling a banana out of his backpack.

Brown Mailroom Spotify Playlist Closest Thing To Rager Freshman Has Ever Experienced | Mar 12 2021

Sources report that the Brown mailroom playlist is the closest thing to a rager that freshman Tyler Jenkins has ever experienced. “It was a wild mid-afternoon,” said Jenkins, excitedly recounting the only approximation of a party now available.

Area Man Not Sure If He's Connected To Audio, Give Him One Sec | Feb 05 2021

After clicking the link to enter a scheduled Zoom meeting, area man Graham Anderson reported that he wasn’t sure if he was connected to the audio, give him one sec. “Oops… sorry everyone… looks like I’m having a little trouble connecting… let me just…” mumbled Anderson as he fiddled around with the Zoom audio hardware settings.

Ratty Alternative Meal Just Beginner’s Guide To Foraging Wild Mushrooms | Oct 30 2020

Sources report that the alternative meal option at the Ratty is just a beginner’s guide to foraging wild mushrooms. “I guess I’m supposed to gather my own mushrooms for lunch,” said junior Adam Kensington, who ordered an alternative meal expecting the usual simple starch and boiled chicken.

Junior With Off-Campus Privileges Repeating "Sublet" Like He On HGTV | Sep 25 2020

Sources report that Todd Anderson, a junior with off-campus privileges, is repeating “sublet” like he’s on an HGTV show. “Our budget was limited, but we really wanted a place that was move-in ready,” Anderson explained as if he were on a reality television show about home buying.

Area Man Explains To Girlfriend That Frisbee Is All In The Wrist | Apr 24 2020

Slowly repeating his motions to demonstrate proper form, area man Chris Horton explained to his girlfriend that frisbee is all in the wrist. “All it takes is a little flick of the wrist,” Horton explained, effortlessly tossing the frisbee to his girlfriend.

"Don’t Worry, It’s The Brown Noser," Student Handing Out Newspaper Clarifies To Frightened Passerby | Mar 06 2020

Sources report that a student handing out newspapers clarifiedm “Don’t worry, it’s the Brown Noser,” to a frightened passerby. “I could see the fear in that guy’s eyes,” explained Noser Staff Writer Sarah Hart, recalling the momentary panic she caused by offering him a copy of the new Noser issue.

BPR Party Playlist Just Latest Episode Of The Daily On Repeat | Mar 06 2020

Sources report that the playlist for a Brown Political Review party last night was just the lastest episode of The Daily on repeat. “I went in expecting there to be some kind of music,” explained Macy Rockwell, who attended the party as a guest.

Area Man Definitely Underestimating How Big Of A Bowl He Needs To Make That Salad | Dec 06 2019

According to various sources, area man Ted Miller is definitely underestimating how big of a bowl he needs to make that salad. “Well, this seems like a good size,” said Miller, grossly underestimating the amount of space his romaine salad would occupy.

Mom Pretty Sure She Knows That Actor From Something | Oct 25 2019

On the car ride home from the movies with her family, local mom Sharon Johnson muttered under her breath that she was “pretty sure she knew that actor from something.” “C’mon you guys,” Johnson said, rapidly typing things into Google with one finger.

Potted Plant In Dorm Wishes It Didn't Need So Much Fucking Sunlight Either | Oct 25 2019

Sources confirmed yesterday that the potted plant in Archibald 432 wishes it didn’t need so much fucking sunlight either. “I don’t know why I’m like this,” the plant complained. “If I don’t get enough sunlight, I wilt. That’s just how it is.