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The Brown Noser

Freshman Planning to Try Human Flesh For the First Time This Spring Weekend

Published Friday, March 8th, 2019

Sources report that first-year Davey Smith is planning to try human flesh for the first time at Brown’s upcoming Spring Weekend. Smith, who has never had human flesh but has always been curious, feels that the music festival is the perfect time for him to try it.

“Well human flesh is obviously a little more hardcore than what I’d normally be into,” noted Smith. “But Spring Weekend just seems like the perfect atmosphere to leave my comfort zone. Plus flesh is supposed to make everything better.”

“My friend said he could get some flesh from his brother,” Smith explained. “I think we’re gonna bury it on the main green so we don’t have to worry about sneaking it in. Security could always take your flesh at the entrance so it’s better not to risk it.”

“Apparently there’s a group on campus that will anonymously test the quality of the flesh,” he continued. “That’s pretty neat. And I think if I just drink plenty of water, I’ll be fine.”

At press time Smith was seen googling if it was safe for one to drink alcohol after consuming human flesh.

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