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Freshman roommates Adam Cohen and Miles Bunk of Metcalf Hall reached an agreement amenable to both parties about when each of them could expel the other from the room based on their wild assumptions about their future sexual activity.
“We knew we would need a solution that comfortably accommodates both our needs,” Cohen said of several page protocol that would never need to be consulted. “Maybe other rooms don’t really discuss these things, but we felt that as two guys living together we wanted to preempt any awkward situations that could arise without us having a frank conversation about our sexual futures at this school.”
In a bold and overtly presumptuous announcement, the two revealed that they had divided occupancy of the room through a metric based on days of the week.
“So on Friday nights I get first dibs,” said Bunk, pointing to a hastily drawn calendar he and Cohen had mocked up in a bout of enthusiasm when given the housing contract. “I just have to be sure to send a warning text by 10 p.m. We’re in the process of establishing ties with a few other rooms in the unit so we’ll always have a place to crash last minute.”
“And if we’re both hooking up with someone on the same night, which, let’s be real, is highly probable,” Cohen added, describing a situation which wouldn’t happen once during the year. “Well, worst comes to worst, the sexiled party just takes whoever they’re going at it with down to the lounge.”
Following the reveal of their plans, the two roommates retreated back to Metcalf 112, a room that would go on to house both students at night for the vast majority of the year.
