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Disregarding hundreds of years of superstition, Dennis Harvey ’16 walked through the Van Wyckle gates twice during convocation and was immediately destroyed by God.
The gates are known to have ruined the lives of those who dare to disobey its seemingly arbitrary commandment of only walking through them once before graduation.
After first entering the gates, Harvey suddenly leapt back through them, boasting to peers that he didn’t “believe in stupid Ivy League supersti-“ at which point a lightning bolt thrown by a wrathful God incinerated his body to a smoldering heap of ash.
Two 5th year PLMEs who rushed to help the lightning-struck Harvey inadvertently crossed the threshold and were swept away by a flash flood as the vengeful roar of an ancient and merciless deity erupted from the heavens intoning the word “No” in a dead language older than time itself.
In spite of the casualties, President Christina Paxson decided to go ahead with the Convocation ceremony, simply stating, “I told you so.”
