Friday, November 24, 2017
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The Brown Noser

Freshman Who Thinks He’s Super Liberal Has No Fucking Clue What’s Gonna Hit Him

Published Friday, November 3rd, 2017

Sources report that first-year student Stanley Acheson, a self-purported “huge liberal,” has no fucking clue what’s gonna hit him. The freshman, who routinely sports a Hillary Clinton campaign shirt and intends to concentrate in political science, is blissfully unaware of the righteous cyclone of leftism that’s going to absolutely knock him the fuck out.

“I really feel bad for the kid because he clearly means well,” said junior Lila Shotwell, echoing the sentiments of other members of Brown’s student body. “Stan thinks that saying he’d vote for Obama a third time if he could is gonna cut it here. Boy, he’s got another thing coming. Christ, I bet he’s never even picked up a copy of The Revolution Betrayed.”

“Look, I get it," Shotwell continued, “When I came here, I thought I was hot shit for reading Atlantic thinkpieces on universal basic income and gerrymandering. I know where he’s coming from. And it’s kind of exciting to think about how he’s gonna lose his mind the first time he reads Angela Davis or Noam Chomsky.”

“I’ve taught here long enough to know this kid has no chance,” said Acheson’s First Year Seminar professor Philip Rhoda. “Right now, he thinks Bernie is an extremist that cost Hillary the election. How’s he ever gonna grasp that the inevitable failures of capitalism and founding a country on white supremacy are what got us here?"

At press time, Acheson was patting himself on the back for sharing a meme depicting President Trump as a cheeto with tiny hands and signing a change.org petition calling for his impeachment.

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