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Embarrassed by his mother’s insistent questioning, Marshall Hankin ’19 already wishes she would stop asking him whether he’s fucked anyone yet.
“Not everyone in college just pairs or triples off and fucks all day,” said Hankin, noting that whether he was fucking a nice girl or boy or not, it didn’t seem like any of his mom’s business. “So what if my older sister called home multiple times a day during her first week of college to compare the shapes and sizes of her various sexual partners’ penises? We aren’t all wired like that.”
Hankin argued that though some of his friends who were already tangling their lanky limbs together and just fucking away on the regular were comfortable with sharing, not everyone should be expected to have the the same priorities.
Hankin’s mother Martha has been calling her son every day to ask about what kinds of depraved fucking he may or may not be engaging in, and asking Hankin to text her updates to make sure he’s getting along okay or to see if he needs advice during the fuck.
“The first weeks of college can be rough,” said Martha Hankin, adding that she’d like to see how happy a good fuck could make her son. “I just want to make sure Marshall knows he can talk to us about all the young hot-bodied people he’s fucking and how hard he’s fucking them.”
Hankin isn’t alone in his frustration with his parent’s request. According to a recent BDH poll, 62 percent of students surveyed thought their parents took “too active” a role in their sex lives. Over two-thirds of the participants felt uncomfortable linking their mothers to the Facebook profiles of the people they really gave it to, and almost half felt pressured by their parents to engage in “fuck-first” relationships.
“College is a time for experimentation,” said Student Conduct Coordinator Michele Armstrong. “This is a valuable opportunity for students to fuck each other’s brains out without their parents always whispering in their ears.”
But Armstrong made a point to mention that not every student is the same. “Parents have to understand that if a student doesn’t want to mingle sweat in a certain weekend’s fuckfest, there’s nothing they can do to make them. And that’s OK.”
At press time, Hankin was considering asking his new girlfriend to Thanksgiving, but expressed concern that his mom would make her stay late so they could all fuck after dinner.
