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The Brown Noser

Freshmen Left With No Hope Of Making Friends In Absence Of Ice Cream Social

Published Friday, February 5th, 2021

In the absence of the annual Ice Cream Social, it has become clear that this year’s freshman class has absolutely no hope of making friends.

“Unfortunately, the Class of 2024 is going to remain pretty much friendless without the deeply formative experience that is the Ice Cream Social,” said Vice President for Campus Life Eric Estes, maintaining that the time-honored orientation week gathering is essential for first-years to build community. “There’s just nothing like chatting over a small bowl of raspberry sorbet for forming a lasting relationship. These freshman will be lucky if they can find a supportive cohort in any setting other than the Main Green at 10 PM on a Saturday night.”

“I owe everything to the Social,” said senior Wayne Lomber, fondly recalling the stilted conversation and exchange of Snapcodes that made his social life at Brown possible. “My roommates, my best friend, my girlfriend, some amazing professional connections: I met them all on that incredible night. I don’t know who I’d be today if it weren’t for those forty or so minutes asking everyone if they knew where the parties were.”

On top of this, University officials admit that freshmen will likely never learn anything at Brown after missing out on orientation week trivia night.

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