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The Brown Noser

Friend Claiming She’s Dating “The One” Really Just Dating Liam

Published Friday, September 16th, 2022

Grinning from ear to ear as she shows off her most recent “morning babe” text, senior Sarah Hampson gleefully announced that she’s dating “the one” when she’s actually just dating Liam.

“I know that we’ve only been going out for a few weeks, but I really think that Liam is the one,” said Hampson, fawning over a picture of Liam on his weekend fishing trip with the boys. “Last night, Liam and I were getting dinner at Heng Thai. He opened the door for me and everything! I’m just so lucky to have found my person.”

After meeting her new beau at a Caswell basement party, Hampson could hardly believe her luck when she first laid eyes on Liam. Backwards hat upon his head and White Claw in hand, he wooed her with the opening line: “Do I know you?”

“There’s just something so special about Liam,” added Hampson, lost in thought about her lover, who concentrates in Econ and lives in Massachusetts. “Liam is such a risk taker too. Did you know that Liam is doing study abroad in Spain next semester? I’m going to miss Liam so much, but I know that my bond with Liam is strong enough to make it through long distance.”

At press time, your friend claiming to have the cutest dog ever really just had a Shih Tzu.

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