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A recently graduated Art History PhD student has developed an oddly intense obsession with scanning her own items at every store.
“I don’t think stealing is the crime, I think it’s the existence of private property,” said Sofia Davis, heading straight for the self-checkout while shoving a $12 soy candle into her faded tote bag next to a copy of The Communist Manifesto. “I refuse to participate in capitalism, which is why I only work 10 hours a week and steal oat milk from work. Some people claim I couldn’t work more even if I wanted to because of the decrease in writing jobs, but I disagree. For me, it’s a choice. Just like my choice to use the self-checkout to my own advantage.”
“I don’t get paid enough to stop her,” said the Target manager, rolling his eyes while revealing hours of surveillance footage showing her obviously smuggling loads of lip liners under her bulging shirt. “It’s ridiculous, honestly. I mean, come on, did she really think we wouldn’t see it under her pink T-shirt that says ‘Eat the Rich’? It’s all performative. I just pretend not to see.”
At press time, Davis was seen posting a story that said “NO ETHICAL CONSUMPTION UNDER CAPITALISM” over a boomerang of her $8 Starbucks matcha.
