After a semester of silence, it’s become clear that your friend Matty Cook, who you thought was studying abroad last semester, was actually just in a relationship. “Every night, I’d check Matty’s room, but it was always sad and empty. When I texted him to see how he was doing, he said he was ‘growing a lot’ and ‘ready for new experiences.’ I just put two and two together, and assumed he was abroad,” said friend Carson Rudolf, after confidently asking Cook how his semester in Italy was. “Apparently, he was just a few houses down the street hanging out with his girlfriend Julia. Who would have thought?" At press time, Cook’s friends were seen returning the “Welcome Home” banner they bought the previous week.

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