Clark's articles
Reminiscing on his precious last moments at Brown, Eli Parker ’24, who is going abroad next semester, was reportedly lingering by the door. “Well, I guess this is it. This time it isn’t just bye for one winter break. It’s bye for the length of eight winter breaks.
Judging by the increasingly humanoid nature of another student’s project, sophomore Tina Schak reported that junior Craig Shiffrin was clearly working on a sex robot in the Brown Design Workshop. “At first, I was pretty focused on sanding down on my birdhouse, but it got pretty hard to ignore the 5’6 anatomically accurate sex automaton on the table next to me,” Schak said as she moved her birdhouse to a farther table.
Hey, companies and corporations. I hope you are listening. It seems like many of my classmates are being given jobs. I am writing this as a polite reminder not to give out jobs unless you have enough for the whole class. Sure, it’s great fun for the ones who prance around with job offers in hand, but I ask you to please consider how your actions affect everyone else.
Super bored and offering half-hearted encouragement to their struggling gamemates, a local source reported that this corner of the table was really bad at Rage Cage. “Yeah this game is harder than it looks. I get that the table is sticky, and maybe someone could turn the lights on, but that entire corner of the table is atrociously bad at the one objective in the game," said Rory Chapman ’26, having already grabbed Jo’s and come back while the players from the corner chased the ball around the room.
Shortly after the waiter at Bacaro restaurant asked the table what they would like to drink, friends of Toby McCall ‘24 found that, oh, his parents are getting us drinks too. “Toby’s mom just handed us the drink menu. I was like, play it cool.
A new report revealed that some students are from THE city, while others are just from A city.
“Interestingly enough, some students are from THE city while others are from different cities,” stated the report. “Students from THE city attended important schools, while students from A city likely just went to high schools named after presidents.”
The report added that students from THE city can also be recognized by insular social circles, having names such as Elliot or Victoria, and smoking cigarettes.
Freshman Nathaniel Baker’s room is pretty much just a laundry basket and a [i]Pulp Fiction[/i] poster.
“He’s had plenty of time to personalize his room, but not much has changed since he assembled his pop-up laundry basket and taped up a glossy poster of Uma Thurman smoking a cigarette,” said his roommate George Harlotte as he looked around the spartan dorm.
After a semester of silence, it’s become clear that your friend Matty Cook, who you thought was studying abroad last semester, was actually just in a relationship. “Every night, I’d check Matty’s room, but it was always sad and empty. When I texted him to see how he was doing, he said he was ‘growing a lot’ and ‘ready for new experiences.’ I just put two and two together, and assumed he was abroad,” said friend Carson Rudolf, after confidently asking Cook how his semester in Italy was.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
