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Embroiled in a heated debate about who would survive the zombie apocalypse, a local friend group seems to have forgotten that not one of them can digest dairy.
“Between my steadfast composure and relentless grit, I’m confident that I could tackle any stressful situation, including a global zombie apocalypse,” said Lara Klein, whose gastrointestinal tract will literally implode if she eats one slice of cheddar cheese. “Zombies are no match for my critical thinking skills and creativity!”
“Well, I’ve been lifting at the gym a lot lately, and I can run ten miles easily,” replied her roommate, Jenna Sadikman, who cannot even add creamer to her coffee without experiencing bloating, nausea, and cramps so intense that she is bedridden for several days. “I could definitely defend myself against zombies if the world started coming to an end.”
“Let’s not forget about survival skills,” added another member of the friend group, Mika Lazenby, who would probably be dead already if it wasn’t for the invention of Lactaid. “I can make a fire and build shelter like nobody’s business. How can you expect to survive zombies when you can’t even survive the elements?”
At press time, a group of friends arguing about which one of them would be the most likely to become president forgot that literally none of them are decisive enough to pick a movie, nonetheless lead the nation.
