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After signing a lease for an off-campus house next year, a local group of friends is excited to gradually grow to despise each other while living together.
“It’s gonna be so sick to share a house and get in constant fights over our incompatible living habits,” said one member of the group, looking forward to spending their senior year at each other’s throats. “I’m hyped to have a whole place to ourselves where we can officially end our friendships after tensions reach a boiling point.”
The soon-to-be housemates, who have been good friends since they met in freshman year, already have big plans for their new house and the irreconcilable differences that will emerge there, slowly but surely driving them apart.
“Seriously, just imagine how great this house will be for revealing and amplifying everything we hate most about each other,” another housemate added, eagerly anticipating the countless conflicts that will divide the group of friends, who turn out to have little in common aside from where they lived in freshman year. “I can’t wait to live in a house with you guys until we can’t stand each other any longer and we count the days until we never have to see each other again. It’s gonna be so lit!”
The friend group has also already agreed on the division of responsibilities in their new house, with one roommate ready to turn the rest of his friends against him almost immediately with his shitty behavior, and another roommate planning to distance himself further and further from the group until he eventually moves out prematurely. The last few roommates agreed that they would spend the rest of the year wondering where it all went wrong while occasionally sparring over some dirty dishes left in the sink overnight.
“Good thing we locked this sweet house down by signing a legal contract that will trap all of us together for the whole year whether we like it or not,” said a group member who will be one of the last housemates standing, thrilled to finally have a whole house to share with all the people he had unquestioningly considered his closest friends since starting college, but whose friendships he perhaps should have scrutinized more closely before agreeing to this living situation. “We’re gonna have such a fun senior year in this house. Think about all the nights we’ll spend debating whether we always had unspoken friction bubbling below the surface that would inevitably erupt, and whether we should have seen this coming before we signed that lease earlier today. Either way, I’m super pumped to move in this summer and learn my least favorite things about all you guys.”
“Me too, and I think it’s definitely going to be some specific and avoidable actions by certain roommates that will mess this all up, we’d obviously have a great time next year otherwise,” replied another housemate who will make it through the friendship-ending wars next year, enthusiastic about the amazing new house where he’ll get to finish out his time in college with friends — some of whom he’ll come to resent so severely that he’ll silently ignore them every time they cross paths. “We might still argue about chores and dishes sometimes if nobody ever starts a bigger fight, but it wouldn’t be anywhere near the hostility that’ll most certainly emerge after someone drives the first unbridgeable wedge into our friend group. But yeah, I’m really fired up about getting into that new house of ours and clashing so bitterly that we can’t all go on as friends any longer.”
“I’m also totally jazzed about living together and hating each other, but I’m gonna have to disagree with you there that everything will fall apart just because of one huge fight,” countered the third and final roommate who will remain friends with the others until the end of the lease, delighted that the group found a house that will allow them to spend their senior year destroying the relationships they’d built throughout college, which were perhaps shaky and artificial all along. “I mean, we really just latched onto the people who lived near us in freshman year and ran with it. Is it any wonder that the three of us, the only members of this group with some common interests, will be the only ones whose friendships last? The differences that will someday cause us to despise each other exist right now, and maybe we should’ve been better judges of character before we paid our security deposits just now. That said, I’m definitely so stoked to have this house where we can finally realize who our true friends are.”
The three of them reportedly laughed, celebrating their new lease by sharing a drink with the other future housemates they would ultimately lose touch with one way or another before graduating. Sources report that it might all be for the best anyway, that people grow apart sometimes and that’s okay.
At press time, that fucking asshole who won’t move out even though everyone wants him to just went into the living room again, can you believe the nerve?
