According to his friends, Perez only goes by his last name because he’s a fuckin’ champ. “Our usual friend group consists of Donnie, Frank, and Big Al. But Perez? He’s the bossman, so he only goes by his last name,” said Harold Jackson, a pencil-pushing nerd with two names. “He’s just an absolute legend, so he doesn’t need two names like the rest of us. I’ve never actually heard anybody call Perez anything else. What a king.” At press time, Harold Jackson speculated that Perez’s first name might be William or something.

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