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Injecting a bit of silly fun into its flights, United Airlines has replaced its boring pre- flight announcement with a fun, new safety video that teaches passengers how to die painlessly in the ocean via song.
“The music video began on the streets of Rio De Janeiro, where a slow-motion shot captured the eclectic joy of Carnival,” said delighted sources watching the video, which is the only thing ensuring their watery deaths won’t be agonizing and slow. “The parade floats were being directed by those airport people with glowing orange batons, and the United CEO welcomed us aboard! He also said something about attaching an oxygen mask to avoid asphyxiation or something, but I don’t remember.”
Sources on the plane report that the music video then did a cool-as-hell smash cut to a British man’s parlor, where he reads an oversized version of the safety pamphlet. When he moves it from his face, he is revealed to be none other than Golden Globe-winning actor Hugh Grant! Reportedly, United paid him 10 million dollars to say something about where exit rows are to escape a mid-air fire or whatever. Reports are inconclusive as to what he said precisely.
“Then an airplane in the safety video turned into a spaceship that was being pi- loted by Marvel’s Baby Groot! It was epic,” said the mesmerized passengers, who are uniformly unprepared for any emergency as they soar 30,000 feet in the air. “Baby Groot told us about how to put on a life vest so we won’t drown in the icy Atlantic, but we couldn’t understand him because he only says ‘I am Groot!’ Like in the movie! How fun!”
Sources confirm the spaceship in the video then landed in Times Square where passengers did a real-life flash mob. The crouching move the dancers kept doing was reportedly a way to demonstrate the position passengers should form if the plane’s engines fail so that their necks will break immediately upon impact.
At press time, the only in-flight entertainment was 2 Broke Girls or the safety video again.
