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The United Nations fun-fact finding mission dispatched to Syria revealed their findings yesterday, stating that they encountered only trace evidence of fun facts in the region and advising governmental bodies to proceed accordingly.
The 12-country team that spent the past several weeks attempting to find out what made Syrians fun and interesting people discovered that many are too concerned with the ongoing conflict to think of little exciting tidbits of information about themselves.
“There was hardly anything to suggest the existence of fun facts anywhere in the area,” reported team leader Louis Bechmel, of the country that has been embroiled in a bitter and violent civil war for over three years. “It doesn’t even look like anyone had a particularly good summer.”
Bechmel, who himself went to a wedding a couple years ago where Bon Jovi knew the groom and actually played a couple songs at the reception, expressed frustration at the lack of results.
“I don’t know how they expect us to help them if they can’t even tell us that their uncle did the voice of Tony the Tiger or even a lesser known cereal icon,” said Bechmel. “It’s a very disconcerting situation.”
The investigation, one of many sent to the war-torn Middle East since the beginning of the Arab Spring, is just part of the United Nations call for careful, ongoing trivial information gathering. The team was instructed to investigate siblings with potential connections to even slightly famous celebrities, conduct background checks on anyone whose high school soccer team won the state championship against all odds, and pay special attention to those who are double-jointed or can wiggle their ears.
“Even when Syrian citizens did offer facts about themselves, they usually were about who in their family had been killed,” said team member Jane Krouse of the men and women living under the constant threat of pain and death. "That’s not fun at all.”
“As always, we have to be sure we’ve got all the fun facts right at our fingertips when considering any action” said U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry in an official statement. “We need to know up-to-the-minute information on exactly who we’re dealing with—in a way that breaks the ice and makes everyone a bit more comfortable.”
Kerry went on to express his hope that the fun facts unearthed by the team would help lead to a peaceable solution to the conflict, or at least help them remember everyone’s names.
