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The Brown Noser

Future Man Travels Back In Time To Warn Of Terrible Dangers Of Time Travel

Published Friday, December 5th, 2014

As he urgently stepped out of a time vortex, future man Urok Urok informed the people of Earth that he had traveled from the year 2407 to warn of the terrible dangers of time travel.

“Citizens of the past, I have come here to tell you that a dire future awaits should you manipulate the space-time continuum to your own ends,” Urok said, adding that altering the right linearity of time could potentially threaten human existence as we know it. “We future citizens did not heed such a warning, and have paid grievously for our foolish experiments with chronology. Do not make the same mistake.”

Urok, who noted that his voyage had been commissioned by the sole remaining organized political body in his future wasteland, told earthlings that the very act of traveling through time destabilizes the relation between universes such that all chronologies blur into one horrid, nigh unsustainable timeline. The future man added that over 90% of Earth would be transformed into an arid and destitute place as a direct result of time travel.

“Man was not meant to toy with God’s designs,” Urok said as he brandished scars sustained during run-ins with the carnivorous mutants that freely roam future Earth. “Ignore my message and your fate will be alike ours: a future in which oceans dry up, agriculture is rendered impossible, and infectious disease runs rampant. All because humanity desired to manipulate time—and for what?”

“Mostly to warn people about time travel,” he added. “That’s pretty much why this keeps happening.”

At press time, Urok could be seen re-entering his time machine to travel back to the exact moment at which he had arrived to warn of the terrible dangers of time travel in a continuous loop for all eternity.

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