Partly Cloudy, 64°
Sources have indicated that the giant tree on the main green probably had dirt on Christina Paxson.
“As many community members have likely seen, the American Elm tree near the northeast entry of University Hall has died, despite extensive efforts toward revitalization,” said University President Christina Paxson, whose hands were covered in sawdust. “We were very sorry to see it go.”
“Our understanding is that the tree succumbed to old age and some of the more extreme temperature swings we’ve seen in recent years,” said Paxson, hoping no one had witnessed her girdling the tree in the wee hours of the morning.
“We made several attempts at rehabilitation, such as warning the tree to keep it’s fucking mouth shut,” said Paxson. “Unfortunately, it was not enough.”
At press time, the tree with a security camera attached to it was definitely working for Paxson.
