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The Brown Noser

Girl Combing Through Crush’s Venmo History Like Archeologist Sifting Through Remains

Published Friday, September 16th, 2022

Sources report that area woman Shelly Reyes is on her sixth hour of combing through her crush’s public Venmo transactions like she is an archeologist examining precious remains.

“I see here that in 2017 he sent someone named ‘Maddy’ an emoji of a movie ticket,” reported Reyes with the attention to detail of an excavator cataloging priceless artifacts. “Perhaps this implies that he went on a date with this ‘Maddy’ individual, though I see she is absent from the record after this occurrence.”

“Moving to the more contemporary period, I notice several instances where he has paid a ‘Brianna’ for, and I quote, ‘drinks’ or ‘drinks and apps,’” continued Reyes with the precision of a researcher gently brushing the dust from a shard of pottery. “Could this signify a casual hookup? Or perhaps several group dinners where ‘Brianna’ often paid the bill? While both theories are compelling, the evidence is inconclusive.”

“It’s important to avoid assumptions in this line of work,” added Reyes, struggling to make sense of the transactions like a scholar pondering the potential uses of a primitive tool. “While a novice might say that this woman who shares his last name and frequently sends him money for ‘a Starbucks study break’ is his mother, the trained eye must consider that she could also be his secret wife.”

At press time, Reyes was analyzing her crush’s latest text to her like a medieval scholar poring over a rare manuscript.

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