Partly Cloudy, 64°
Seconds after gleefully dancing to “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!” atop an elevated surface, a girl was tragically welted by a small rock at Lantern’s Spring Weekend Foam Darty.
“Ow, what the fuck?” shouted the girl, whose forehead was now bruised after being struck by the 6.4 cm rounded chunk of native Rhode Island granite. “Where did that come from? Seriously, who threw that? Someone get me some ice, please! I need ice, please!”
“Yo, who the fuck hit my friend?” yelled the girl’s friend as she ducked for cover behind the DJ booth. “You better fess up, I swear to God. It’s completely messed up and childish. Viviana so did not deserve this. We came to Lantern’s Bubble Bath Bash for good vibes, not for her to be hit with a fucking rock. Not cool at all.”
“Truthfully, I didn’t mean anything by it,” remarked the guy who threw the rock. “I had a rock in my hand, and then I realized I didn’t want the rock in my hand anymore, so I threw it. Is that a crime? It wasn’t meant to hit anyone. Can we all just chill, goddamn.”
At press time, a Timely Warning email from Brown’s Department of Public Safety revealed absolutely nothing about the nature of the crime, the projectile, or the perpetrator.
