Partly Cloudy, 64°
It has been reported that Bella Matthews, who had been stuck at JFK’s Gate E56 after her flight’s third delay, was imagining her certain marriage to a nearby stranger despite looking the absolute worst she had ever looked in her entire existence.
“I haven’t slept in 30 hours, and I haven’t showered in four days, but I know with perfect clarity that that girl is my soulmate,” said Matthews, lying crustily on a row of seats, gesturing toward a young lady at the opposing Auntie Anne’s. “I don’t know if I’ve ever believed in destiny before, but I feel in my heart that we were both fated to be here at Gate E56. I can almost picture the color palette of our wedding. It’ll be in a beautiful rural area, local but still far away enough that we can demonstrate our dedication to our beautiful relationship.”
“She’s the perfect girl. I can see it now—she’s going to trip getting on the plane, and I’ll catch her just before she slips into the crack between the loading ramp and the aircraft. And then, after six years of deep devotion and understanding, she’ll propose to me under the stars in the meadow where we had our first kiss,” continued Matthews, not knowing that the reason she had the whole row of seats to herself was because she smelled as gross as she looked. “We’ll make it a small event, just with close family and friends. Definitely a fall wedding—we’ll have a pie buffet instead of a cake and a pumpkin carving station and a bouncy house for the kids. Her vows will be short but emotionally moving, and afterwards, I’ll throw my long script aside and just improv how earnestly I love her and our 14 accumulated Bichon Frises.”
At press time, your hot English professor would definitely leave his wife and kids for you if you suggested it.
