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The Brown Noser

Girl Knows Position Of Mercury During Time Of Birth But Not Social Security Number

Published Friday, May 12th, 2023

Despite knowing the exact position of Mercury at the very second she was born, sophomore Kelly Richardson does not know her social security number.

“On June 7th, 2003, at 9:37 am, Mercury entered the constellation of Taurus,” said Richardson, who cannot remember the nine simple digits that verify her U.S. citizenship but can recall the orientation of a planet during her birth. “Mercury reached its third day of ascension, and its declination had just passed 14 degrees. It was an auspicious time to enter the world, truly.”

Although Richardson must know her social security number to get a job, collect government benefits, and prove her identity, she simply cannot recall the order of those few numbers. However, Richardson does know the precise rotation of Mercury at the time of her birth so she can astrologically assess herself on a regular basis.

“As my mother gave birth to me, Mercury was exiting retrograde, slightly increasing its speed as it traveled around the sun,” added Richardson, who can’t fill out an I-9 form without calling a parent because her social security number must be recited to her digit by digit over the phone. “That definitely explains a lot about me, like the vivacious nature of my celestial aura.”

At press time, Richardson knew the ascendant sign of her zodiac but not her dad’s birthday.

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