In a statement that rocked the religious world, God declared that He blesses and accepts the world’s homosexuals, on the one condition that they not try to make a pass at Him or anything like that.
“All of My creations are beautiful and holy,” God said in a press conference at the Temple Mount late last week, “including those men who lay with other men. Things only get dicey when they start grinding on Me in the club.”
But despite the fact that God has never and will never “gaze on a man with a lustful eye,” He emphatically reiterated his belief that “those things they do” constitute a sacred union, if they’re into that sort of thing. “Which I am not.”
To enforce this, God said He was considering adding an eleventh commandment stating, “Thou shalt not try anything weird with thy Lord in the locker room.” While some biblical scholars called the specificity of the commandment into question, God claimed it was purely theoretical and had nothing to do with the way He was pretty sure He saw Lance, His squash partner, letting his eye wander the other day.
God stressed the fact that although He “didst not desire to know any man,” He was not homophobic, citing the fact that He “hath several gay angels,” including Klaus, Thad and Angel, as evidence of His tolerance.
“Did you guys see ‘Milk’?” God rhetorically asked the assembled crowd, referring to the 2008 biopic of California’s first openly gay officeholder. “I loved that movie. Sean Penn totally deserved that Oscar.”
“Neil Patrick Harris, Ellen DeGeneres, Barney Frank,” God said. “I have the utmost respect for all of these people, even though they are gay. Not ‘even though.’ Because? Well, not ‘because,’ either. Hmm.”
By the time He recovered from His faux pas, His words had already been chiseled into a large stone tablet and controversially taught in several schools.