Sources report that gold miner James Bennett, having dredged nothing but diamonds from the Yukon River bed for the tenth consecutive day, is really bad at his job.

“There’s nothing more depressing than sifting through all these enormous, sparkling diamonds and seeing no hints of gold,” said Bennett, admitting that he just doesn’t seem to be suited for this kind of work. “I have to go home to my hungry family at the end of every day completely empty-handed. My heart drops knowing I have nothing to show for my day’s work.”

“I was sympathetic at first but now I’m just tired of picking up this guy’s slack,” said fellow gold miner Charles Brannan. “It’s a simple livelihood really: we’re looking for gold. And Bennett just can’t catch a break.”

At press time, Bennett was dejectedly dumping 35 carats worth of diamonds back into the muddy river bed.

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