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Jacqueline Muller ‘15 still has four final exams in front of her, but the graduating senior is already looking forward to getting out into the world and making it worse.
“I can’t wait to become a cog in this terrible machine,” said Muller, adding that she was sure whatever moral sensibility she had previously held could be discarded at a moment’s notice. “I’ve always wanted to make a positive difference in the world and I am absolutely thrilled at the opportunity to let that go.”
Muller has been praised by faculty and fellow students alike for her bright attitude, tough work ethic, and relative complacency within a socially corrupt society.
“I’ve always known Jackie was going to do great things,” said Muller’s advisor Tim Cochran, himself a lazy and uninspired professor relying on tenure to cover up his failings as an educator. “Things that bring her relative personal success while contributing detrimentally to the world she lives in and maybe even the people immediately around her.”
Returning the compliment, Muller praised Cochran for inspiring in her the same tepid, self-congratulatory politics that allow him to believe he’s doing the right thing without requiring him to take any real action.
Of course, over 1,500 fellow graduates from Brown alone will be vying for the same awful jobs in the same hateful fields, so Muller will have some stiff competition when it comes to being in a place to really hurt the world in a serious way.
“I’ll start in consulting and see where that takes me,” said Muller. She added that even if she doesn’t manage to work her way up the fetid corporate ladder she will “be content with making the world even a little bit more scary and unfair for people who aren’t like [her].”
At press time, Muller was buying her ticket to Senior Week’s Etiquette Lunch so she could learn to embrace an even more archaic conception of the elite.
