Partly Cloudy, 64°
The bereaved gathered at the First Baptist Church on Saturday to mourn the loss of beloved friend, neighbor, and family member Seymour Wilkins, who recently went “on a totally awesome vacation!”
“At least, that’s what my mommy says,” said Bobby Stern, age “this many.” “It was more of a celebration of his life than anything else,” said Mommy, Bobby’s mother. “A life which is ongoing,” she added hurriedly.
According to reports, Wilkins, or, as he was popularly known, Mr. Grandpa, age 82, left for a trip several weeks ago, not to return for a “very, very long time.” The reports also indicate that the destination of Grandpa’s travels is a “wonderful place where the sun shines every day, and no one is ever sad ever.
“I asked if I could go, too,” Bobby Stern said, “and Mommy said that one day long from now we all can join him! I also asked if Grandma was with him, and Mommy said that that bitch went to Cleveland.”
Speculation does indicate, however, that Grandpa went to the same place to which Baxter, Stern’s pet dog, traveled a year ago. If this is true, then Grandpa’s destination also includes “a lot of wide open spaces where he can spend hours chasing rabbits and squirrels.”
“I never saw Grandpa chase rabbits cause the Gooks shot him in the leg when he was in ‘Nam,” said Stern. “That was before I was born!” Although Mr. Grandpa had gone on several trips before, and could boast about travels to London, Maui, and the doctor’s so they could get rid of that damn boil, on this occasion the family threw a “bon voyage” party because, according to Mommy, “this was an extra special vacation.”
“After church, we all got together in this park that had lots of big rocks everywhere,” recounted Stern. “Everyone was really quiet, and Mommy’s
eyes were wet, like that time she found those messages on Daddy’s phone.”
“Yes, it was a great...party,” assured Mommy, “and all the guests brought Dad’s favorite foods.”“Foods which,” she added, “I’m sure he will continue to eat while he’s away.”
Although visual confirmation of Mr. Grandpa was never made, it is reported that he attended the event in the “hearts and minds of all those he touched over the years.” Unfortunately, more information on Grandpa’s whereabouts could not be attained, as the phone interview with Stern suddenly ended when the connection went on vacation.
