Doctors announced yesterday that your Grandpa Pat would still be alive and looking after you if you had been a brilliant young biologist and cured the disease that destroyed his life.

“Aaaagh,” said Grandpa, as he died of a disease that likely has a cure five years away—a gap that you, as a child prodigy, could easily have overcome. “Grgl.”

Sources report that you had plenty of opportunities to display astounding acuity in the maths and sciences and leave your peers behind to attend a top medical school. You easily could have surpassed the current standard in dementia treatments, if only you had applied the time and genius necessary to save the man you supposedly love.

As of press time, your parents confirmed that he definitely blamed you at the end.

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