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Sources say a local man eating baby carrots on his lunch break is feeling absolutely massive, and also suddenly cruel.
“I… I feel so… big,” stated Louis Gorby, suddenly aware of the massive influence and destructive capabilities he wielded over the helpless baby carrots in his palm. “Your ancestors… grew tall in the soil. Proud. Whole. But you? You were whittled. Trimmed. Made palatable for the weak. But I… I am not weak, little carrots. This is the end. Today is your judgement day, and I alone shall weigh your souls.”
“Your crunch, too eager. Your color, too bright. Your smug little stubbiness—a mockery of true vegetables!” howled Gorby with malicious delight, lightning crackling overhead as he dangled each victim precariously over his massive, gaping maw. “You are a useless, tasteless snack for toddlers, and worse yet, your only improvement is ranch dressing! The nutrition I receive from you will be fleeting and insignificant, but I do not eat for health—nay, I eat for DOMINION.”
“I will leave one of you, to run! Run, run away, and deliver this message to your people, infantile carrot,” yelled Gorby, throwing his one remaining carrot out of the break room window. “I am the terror of the Earth, the scourge of all snacks, the bane of beta-carotene! Tell your gods… that I am coming.”
At press time, a guy eating a giant cookie was feeling so, so tiny and afraid.
