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Tanner Grayson ’13, in the midst of a dinner date with Rachel Kemp ’14 at Paragon, was repeatedly hampered by consistent attempts to do things that only a cool, “smooth operator” of a man would do. Grayson, however, was often unsuccessful because he failed to recall what an unappealing and overall disappointing person he is.
The trouble began at the start of the date, when Grayson ordered Kemp’s meal for her, a tactic that in certain circles would have been perceived as “charming.” Grayson, who sources say is a “total fuck up of a man,” immediately regretted the maneuver, although his date seemed not to mind. Grayson then claimed that he ordered her a beef stew and fries because she was clearly “too beautiful to be watching her figure,” which elicited a giggle from Kemp but which this reporter found to be yet another in a long line of faux pas from a man already struggling to be socially acceptable.
Grayson, who is far from a provider, having never worked a day in his life, then continued the gaffe-filled evening by asking his date if she believed in love at first sight. She claimed that she did not, he confirmed that he also did not and the two shared a laugh over it. This reporter, however, finds it strange that Ms. Kemp entirely ignored Grayson’s boorish face, slightly unkempt collar and effusive grossness, focusing instead on his supposed “humor.”
Following dinner, the disgustingly uncouth Grayson asked Ms. Kemp if she would prefer to finish the night with “dessert at my place.” Ms. Kemp obliged and staggered out the front door of Paragon with a man who continued to let the fact that he was a horrifying oaf slip his mind entirely. As the last lingering scent of Ms. Kemp’s perfume hung in the air around this reporter’s concealed face, he hopes only that she realizes what a mistake she’s making. Additionally, he remains confused as to why she would have previously given up on something that was “fucking perfect.”
When pressed for comment, all calls to Mr. Grayson and Ms. Kemp went straight to voicemail. “We’re going apple picking today!” shrieked Ms. Kemp in her outgoing message, which hadn’t been updated in months.
“I love you!” followed the recorded voice of this reporter, giggling adorably in a state of mind to which he’ll never return.
