Noting how he brandished the money like it was no big deal—like it was pocket change—sources at a CVS in Providence told reporters today that the customer who just paid for his goods with a $50 bill must think the whole world is a big fucking bank for him to store his massive fortune in, or something. “Right when I saw that man walk up to the counter I knew he was just another Richie Rich, seemingly unaware that this isn’t a bank with millions of dollars in it,” CVS manager Bruce McCandless said, before reportedly wondering aloud if his store had somehow transformed into a Wells Fargo overnight in order to accommodate overeager plutocrats like this guy. “Come in with $5 or $10, and I’m a pretty nice guy. But $50? I’m not the Federal Reserve, for crying out loud. I can’t accept your stupid fifty. Our registers would be out of change for 50 years! One year for every dollar.” At press time, a woman carrying a $100 bill had just approached the pharmacy counter, likely under the assumption that she was in Washington, D.C., hitting up the freaking IMF.

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