Sources report BOLT Leader Alvin Rabinsky ‘14 has been talking about BOLT like it’s his fucking wife, littering conversations with statements about BOLT that are “undeniably romantic.”

“Last week he went on an overnight trip with BOLT,” said Rabinsky’s roommate, Jon Franz ’14. “When he came back, he said it was ‘absolutely magical.’ Then later he said he felt ‘really connected’ to BOLT and that joining BOLT is the best decision he’s ever made. That’s when I thought, ‘What is it, your fucking wife?’”

Those close to Rabinsky say his girlfriend, Lena Rosenberg ‘14, doesn’t receive nearly the same accolades from him as does BOLT. “The nicest thing he’s ever said about (Rosenberg) is that she’s cool,” recalled Joey Moore ‘14, a friend of Rabinsky. “He hardly ever talks about Lena, but yesterday he was talking about BOLT and he said ‘I only wish there was more time in the day to spend on it.’”

Experts say it’s not uncommon for a young BOLT leader to become enamored with BOLT, but emphasize that doesn’t make it any less annoying. Studies show Rabinsky probably jerks off to rope.

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