Sources report that senior Brad Spaling, who often refers to himself in the third person as “Drunk Me,” is also an asshole when not under the influence.
“Whoo, you better watch out for ‘Drunk Me,’” said Spaling, everyone’s least favorite person to grab breakfast, lunch, and dinner with. “After a couple shots of the sauce, there’s no telling what I might do!”
“I just can’t be contained! ‘Drunk Me’ is a party animal,” continued Spaling, explaining his objectively deplorable actions from the previous night. “You should take it upon yourself to hide your girlfriends, hide your tables, hide any of your breakable objects.”
As he spoke, those around him exchanged knowing looks, recalling Spaling’s piss-poor manners in literally every situation he encounters, drunk or not.
“Who’s ready to get lit with ‘Drunk Me’ tonight?" Spaling continued, oblivious to the sheer amount of disdain directed his way regardless of his blood alcohol content. "Anyone?… Anyone?”
At press time, a woman wearing a shirt bearing the phrase “Don’t talk to me before my coffee” should not be talked to post-coffee either.