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The dude Stephanie Greenfeld '13 met at that 90s-themed party last week totally did it all for the nookie, senior party-planning officials revealed this week. The officials, in an exclusive interview, went on to inform the Noser that you can take that cookie and stick it up your yeah! Stick it up your yeah!
Ben Benikles '12, the dude in question, said that as soon as he stepped in the door, he knew it was his night.
"As soon as I walked in with my friend Wally [Schumacher '12]," Benikles said, "I started to smell this electricity in the air. Now, when I when I pick up that scent it means one of two things. Either someone kicked over my lava lamp again, or it's hammer time."
Indeed, Benikles immediately managed to introduce himself to Greenfeld by asking her if she'd like to dance the Macarena. When Greenfeld pointed out that dancing it does not, in fact, require a partner, Benikles promptly ridiculed her for thinking he was referring to the "crass commercial corruption" of the Macarena, and not the Sevillian original pioneered by Loyalists fighting against Franco in the Spanish Civil War.
"I have to say, I was impressed," Greenfeld said. "Well, it was more than that. I had fallen for him and I couldn't get up."
"Yeah, I was pretty Rico and Suave up in that b.," Benikles said. "That Spanish Civil War shit? Straight off the fucking dome. I don't even know what that war was about."
"So, what did I do then? Just what any self-respecting female would have to do in that situation," Greenfeld said. "I asked him if he wanted to come over to play some Mortal Combat."
"Mortal Combat? Mortal Combat? Mortal Combat?" Benikles said in three different intonations. "I mean dude, schwing. When I heard her say that, I started feeling too sexy for my shirt. And I was wearing a motherfucking Izod."
All this changed in the morning, when Benikles denied Greenfeld's invitation to get breakfast.
"I mean, who turns down a morning-after breakfast invitation?" Greenfeld said incredulously. "And as soon as he said that, I thought to myself, Just don't tell my heart, my achy-breaky heart. I just don't think he'd understand."
Benikles apparently said he already had breakfast plans.
"I just felt so not special, like Dolly the sheep," Greenfeld said. "He wanted a little bit of Monica in his life, a little bit of Erica by his side. He was collecting girls like they were Beanie Babies!"
"I thought he could be the Patrick Swazye's ghost to my Demi Moore," Greenfeld continued. "Turns out he was the pack of velociraptors to my Jeff Goldblum."
"Oh, she can't hold me down," Benikles said. "She wants me to be the Woody Allen to her Soon-Yi, but really she's the little boy to my Free Willy."
As to the rumors of what went down when the pair got back to Greenfeld's Wayland dorm room, neither confirmed or denied them. When asked, Benikles would only say mysteriously, "We got jiggy with it."
