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The Brown Noser

Half-Naked Branch Campus Ministry Initiates Forced To Chug Communion Wine In All Night Ritual

Published Friday, April 29th, 2016

Saying that it was part of an annual initiation ritual for the Christian missional community, sources confirmed that half-naked new members of Branch Campus Ministry were forced to chug communion wine from red cups in the candlelit basement of an undisclosed off-campus house.

“This is the culmination of hell-week for pledges,” said Pledge-Master Ryan Smith. He explained that the night consisted largely of group prayer and traditional Branch drinking games, including the Word of God, in which initiates have to join hands, recite 1 Corinthians from memory, and drink beer anytime they make a mistake. “Each of us are blessed people made in the image and likeness of the Lord,” said Smith of the ceremony. “Sometimes we like to celebrate that by blasting some party hymns and getting trashed.”

“I knew initiation was gonna get pretty crazy when I had to take Stigmata shots out of Pledge Brian’s palms,” said Tom Kelly, a freshman initiate, “and then Pledge Eric, God bless him, vommed on the Branch rug, so all of us had to chant the Lord’s prayer backwards.”

Kelly told reporters that his favorite part of the night was when each pledge had forty minutes to finish a 40 oz bottle of beer, symbolizing the forty days Jesus spent in the desert. “It’s a lot of fun and brings us together as a pledge class in the Ministry, but it was no where near as crazy as when Michelle and Kevin had to take The Seven Deadly Shots.”

On Sunday morning, members of the Branch Campus Ministry were feeling very sick in the back few pews of their church service.

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