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Saying that he’s the only one who can stop this plane from crashing straight into the Atlantic Ocean, handsome passenger John Spencer might just know how to fly this thing, sources confirmed Tuesday.
“God dammit, this just might work,” Spencer said, exchanging a confident look with the two skittish flight attendants in the cockpit, both of whom reportedly let out an audible gulp. “Correct the pitch. Disengage AFS. Keep above 180 knots. Bring down tires and raise drag devices. And pray to god we don’t hit crosswind.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your new captain speaking,” the gruffly handsome man added into his intercom. “Buckle your seatbelts. We’re in for a bumpy ride.”
Reports indicate that Spencer, an ex-Air Force senior airman with a mysterious past, proceeded to level the aircraft despite its having a busted attitude indicator. He then let out a restrained sigh as the plane halted its nosedive, remarking that he hadn’t had such a rush since flying during the Gulf War.
“May-day, may-day, this is Delta flight 6140,” Spencer said into his hand-held microphone, adding that he had never landed a commercial airliner but was damn-well going to try. “We’ve got two unconscious pilots and about 300 terrified passengers. I aim to bring them all to safety—whether I live or die.”
“Clear the runway at Dulles, we’re coming in hot,” Spencer added. “Air traffic control, this is Captain John Spencer. We’re landing this son of a bitch.”
Spencer then reportedly turned to Michelle Turner, a tough-as-nails air marshall who stood stony-eyed behind the captain’s chair, and detailed his dishonorable discharge from the Air Force after a botched bombing run outside Baghdad during Operation Desert Shield. According to sources, Turner told Spencer that this was his chance to make up for past mistakes, his chance to be a hero.
“Commencing final approach,” Spencer told air traffic controllers as he throttled the controls and tipped the nose of the plane upward just in time. “We did it! We did it! Holy mackerel, we landed this sucker!”
At press time, a sweaty and bruised Spencer could be seen passionately kissing Turner on the runway, as several hundred passengers stood looking on and applauding.
