Partly Cloudy, 64°
Denizens of Earth, it is I, the Fallen One, the Dark Lord of the Underworld, Satan! I contribute to your measly news publication in order to inform you of a great tide on the horizon, that which lies in store for the entirety of your pathetic liberal university: eternal torture and damnation in the most fiery depths of Hell!
Which, I must say, is just not what it used to be.
It is true, mortals: my lair of Infinite Darkness has rapidly changing demographics and I am seriously bummed out. The cultural revolution of your sad temporal “decade,” the 1960s, has forced many heathens into my Great Lair who, quite frankly, don't belong here. The days of reserving Hell for your heretics, murderers and other really fucked up evildoers are pretty much gone.
Now, it seems as if anyone can get into Hell: environmentalists, biologists, sexually active teenagers, democrats, small children who have seen television. Basically anyone who isn't considered completely deranged and backwards in your Modern Society goes to Hell along with a handful of straight-up baddies.
But for the most part, it's gotten pretty homogeneously non-threatening.
And though I derive great pleasure in seeping the joy out of the whole of your paltry human race, it's gotten pretty fucking lame around here. Honestly, back in the day, there was serious dramatic tension here in Hell. Things felt grand. Like there was something at stake, you know? Now that everyone and their mother is going to Hell, the exclusivity of Infinite Discomfort, Pain and Solitude has been lost.
Seriously, yesterday I had to banish Mahatma Gandhi to the Eighth Circle of Hell. Mahatma Gandhi. I know I'm the Bringer of End Times and all, but torturing Gandhi is kind of shitty. It makes me feel bad.
So from now on, if you haven't murdered, maimed, raped, pillaged, blasphemed or otherwise spoken out against Jesus Christ and/or God and not repented, just save me the headache and stay out of Hell.
Because, honestly, it's just not the same as it used to be.
