Hey, check this gold out. Pretty cool, huh? Who woulda thought that a guy like me would one day be the proud owner of real gold? I wish all my nay-sayers and doubters could see me now. I’d like to see the look on their stinkin’ faces when they realize that the ‘fool’ who lost all his money in that shredder accident is back on top, baby!
Ok, I’ll let you in on a little secret: I didn’t really find it. I was down by the creek, where that old miner’s pie-rite mine got shut down last week. Anyway, the ol’ geezer was selling away all his mining stuff, including this big pile of gold. Thing was, that fool didn’t even realize it! He thought he was just selling more of that useless pie-rite stuff. For the price that he sold it to me, I might as well have got it for free. Now, I’ve never seen this pie-rite stuff in my life, but I don’t gotta be a rock scientist to know a billion dollar pile of gold when I see one. Poor old man, I almost feel bad for him. But fools get what they deserve, don’t they?
Just look at that subdued, metallic luster. Notice how it doesn’t gleam? That means it’s old gold, some real old Earth metal, not that cheap stuff they make jewelry out of. And check this out too. I’ve been biting it for the past hour, and look: no bite marks! If it was fake gold, it would’ve bent outta shape like all them fake metals do. But this gold is extra hard, broke one of my veneers even. Extra hard means extra strong, and extra strong means extra valuable. I think I got my hands on a real rare type of gold!

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