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The Brown Noser

Hey Wilson, I Must Need Glasses Because I Can’t See A Single Building Named After You On Campus Anymore by Richard A. Friedman

Published Friday, December 7th, 2018

Hey George Francis Wilson,

How’s Swan Point Cemetery? Are you bored yet after one hundred and thirty five years there? I would be. I myself am doing absurdly well. Though I think I need glasses because I can’t see a single building named after you on campus anymore.

Sometimes, if I squint really hard at the beautiful stone slab on the facade of Friedman Hall, I think I see your name there. But it’s actually only my enormous name, which is in the exact same place and is also larger than your name by two letters, so it could have easily been written over yours. It wasn’t, though. I changed the font so my name would be even bigger and so we would have to use a new slab. I can personally attest to this because I took your slab with my own two hands and threw it into the deepest gully there is.

When I flew over campus yesterday and didn’t see your name, I almost couldn’t believe my eyes– especially since you gave a whole $100,000 to Brown University. That’s a lot of money! In today’s dollars, that translates to ABSOLUTELY NOTHING compared to the $24 million under which I literally buried your legacy. Maybe I should have spent it on the optometrist! Ha ha! But I do have one on call at all times.

At least you still have a building named after you at that cesspool, Dartmouth. You can keep that one. I’ll let you.

With my appalling excess of free time I have visited you often at Swan Point. Every time I did, I couldn’t help but notice how much better your tombstone would look if it had my name on it. So I changed it! It looks much better now.

If you do not have enough room to roll in your grave, I would be happy to relocate you to a central spot in the Friedman Study Center, another thing that is covered in my huge name.

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