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Former State Department officials judging the West Valley High School Model United Nations conference are praising the program for its accurate portrayal of the unsupervised debauchery and moral bankruptcy evidenced in “grown-up” diplomacy.
“We are in awe that a simulation for high school students can so accurately depict the completely unfettered fuck-fest that is working to bridge the gap between nations,” said Margery Johnson, former ambassador to Uruguay.
Students said they enjoy the “nonstop, unattached sexual gratification” and “constant belligerent drunkenness” of the conference, as it gives them a sense of what working in the Foreign Service would be like.
“I always thought I might want to work in an embassy when I grew up,” said Franklin High School student Emily Torrence. “But after seeing what it’s like to actually do this sort of work I know for sure that it’s what I want to do with my life.”
The officials also complimented the program for the way alcohol is being used as a key component in multilateral peace talks, just like in real foreign policy.
“I remember at one point on Tuesday, North Korea agreed to reduce its nuclear capacity in exchange for a rack of Natural Light and a fifth of Fireball, which I thought was a particularly brilliant suggestion on France’s part,” said former State Department Bureau of East Asian and Pacific Affairs Chief Fred Hornburger. “It was surprising because the same thing happened in real life in 2007—except it was a case of Yuengling back then.”
Lauren Ingridson, who participated in a threesome with Israel and Iran on Thursday, said she admires the way the program has been able to simulate the living quarters of real diplomats traveling for a conference.
“It’s impressive how much the walls of the Westin hotel are just soaked in booze and semen,” Ingridson said. “It’s like a dignitary swamp in there.”
“They pretty much hit the nail on the head,” said Hornburger. “Although a couple of the kids around today were huge nerds, like the fucking virgin representing Spain—he started talking about creating a joint binding resolution to blah blah blah or whatever the hell he was saying. Losers like that will probably realize that this just isn’t the profession for them.”
