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Saying they don’t want to die because they’re virgins, a group of high school seniors made a pact Thursday to have sex before they end up as virgin boy sacrifices to the omnipotent Mother Zanzadu.
“Listen up, gentlemen,” said Clarke Dietz, a charismatic seventeen-year-old eligible for sacrifice every time there’s a full moon because he’s still a virgin. “I’m tired of nice, smart guys like us winding up dead on the Altar of Skulls just because we aren’t off getting laid like that idiot jock Seth.”
“This is our senior year!” added Dietz, noting that virgin boys almost never make it to high school graduation before the elders draw their names out of the Bone Chalice, whisper dark prayers over their unsullied bodies and then murder them as an offering to the Great Mother. “We need to survive. I don’t want to lose any of you.”
“I can’t wait to finally have sex,” said senior Matthew Remish, whose cousin was brutally murdered for being a virgin last month. “Then I can stop constantly worrying about dying an excruciating death for the sake of religion. Plus, I’ve heard sex feels amazing. That’s a real bonus for me.”
Remish and Dietz’s friend Matt Talbot has his reservations. “I don’t think I’m emotionally ready to have sex,” said Talbot. “But more than that, I don’t want the Blood Sages to pick me as their sacrifice next full moon. So I guess I’m going to have sex.”
Sources confirm that the friends formulated a master plan to buy booze using Clarke’s older brother’s fake ID, arrive at Veronica’s pool party next weekend wearing the slick new clothes they will buy at the outlet mall, and have sex with smoking hot babes before the town elders get a chance to blindfold them, carry them to the Altar and drive daggers through their virgin hearts.
“Think about it,” said Dietz, trembling at the thought of the elders siphoning his virgin blood into the Reservoir of Light. “There will be girls in bikinis with nothing to drink, and then we show up with a keg. We’ll look like kings. Chicks sleep with kings. Kings get to live.”
“Let the de-flowering commence!" added Dietz. “I am so afraid of dying.”
Reports also indicate that while the precocious seniors hope to fornicate with bikini-clad women at Veronica’s party, they also have a backup plan to drive across the country and have sex with easy college girls or at the very least escape from the terrifying cult community that will sacrifice them in the name of faith.
