Partly Cloudy, 64°
Newly unearthed primary-source documents have proved that Oldport was pissed when Newport showed up in southern Rhode Island.
“Woke up yesterday after a hard day’s work taking care of my pilgrims. Guess what I saw? New bitch in my city. Walking around like she owns the place,” reads the opening of Oldport’s diary entry from 1639. “Like, I get it I’m cool. I’ve got sick oysters and shit. And I know she’s probably just jealous, but, girl, can’t I have anything for myself?”
“I don’t want to be a gatekeeper. But, like, this is my beach,” Oldport wrote next to a drawing of Newport burning at the stake. “She’ll get what’s coming to her. I’m gonna take out the big guns.”
“Petition to reinstate Oldport’s name as just ‘Port,’” reads a letter submitted by Oldport to the village council shortly after Newport’s unceremonious arrival. “I, Port, would like to clarify that I never consented to this horrifying misnomer. If I must be subjected to your disrespectful system of nomenclature, I at least suggest Vintageport or Antiqueport.”
At press time, archaeologists discovered an inscription in the stones of Narragansett Bay, reading “Newport is a fugly cow.”
