Ciara's articles
Footage from the College Hill Independent’s first annual meeting showed new writers being instructed to wear long white skirts, distressed tee-shirts, purposeless belts, and condescending gazes as part of a complex initiation ritual.
“The Indy is a sisterhood, a brotherhood, a siblinghood all in one,” said senior editor Apple Jones, glaring down at a group of new freshmen.
Rhode Island Governor Dan McKee announced that the bid to redesign the Washington Bridge, which recently began crumbling into the Seekonk River, will be awarded to whichever team constructs the tallest marshmallow spaghetti stick tower.
“We thought we’d go with a tried and true approach to construction,” said McKee at a press conference in front of the dilapidated bridge.
Newly unearthed primary-source documents have proved that Oldport was pissed when Newport showed up in southern Rhode Island.
“Woke up yesterday after a hard day’s work taking care of my pilgrims. Guess what I saw? New bitch in my city. Walking around like she owns the place,” reads the opening of Oldport’s diary entry from 1639.
An investigation confirmed that the solar eclipse was staged by Brown Admissions as a scheme to get students on the Main Green for brochure photos.
“We looked closely into the issue and found extensive proof that the whole thing was a hoax,” said a student representative from Brown Flat Earth Society.
A new report from experts at Brown have confirmed that the only thing constant across the multiverse is Dean of The College Rashid Zia double concentrating in Engineering and English.
“We’ve recently discovered that even the laws of physics do not apply equally to all universes, but Dean Zia embodies the spirit of the Open Curriculum in all dimensions,” said Astrophysicist Samson Clark, taking note of the billions of Dean Zias, using billions of different dialects, to communicate the Brunonian mindset grounded in independent, innovative leaders.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
