Ciara's articles
lol i keep getting these depressed ass kids showing up to my office in wellness. you wouldn’t believe it. like this kid came to me yesterday and was like “my dad has been cheating on my mom for a decade and i found out yesterday and now im not sure if love is real”
and, i mean, i was just trying to empathize but like idk like obviously your parents divorce sucks? and im not even sure how to help bc my parents have been happily married for 25 yrs? like tbh seems like a better question for a priest or a rabbi or a monk or someone with a connection to a higher power or something :( sry
so i was like “awww that sucks” and this kid looked at me with a blank stare.
Dear Fellow Proud Conservative Americans,
Having read the work of Jenny Smith ’27 in the Brown Daily Herald yesterday, I believe it is time for us to change our attitudes. I stand fully with our beloved President Donald J. Trump. But his tactics have gone too far.
The United States is now experiencing a massive yarn shortage since Grandma Millipede started knitting socks for all of her grandbabies.
“At their prime rate of 300 eggs—each holding a precious baby with 400 tiny feet—just one of my children can require 120,000 socks within a few weeks,” said Grandma Millipede, knitting a different sock with each of her sets of feet.
Footage from the College Hill Independent’s first annual meeting showed new writers being instructed to wear long white skirts, distressed tee-shirts, purposeless belts, and condescending gazes as part of a complex initiation ritual.
“The Indy is a sisterhood, a brotherhood, a siblinghood all in one,” said senior editor Apple Jones, glaring down at a group of new freshmen.
Rhode Island Governor Dan McKee announced that the bid to redesign the Washington Bridge, which recently began crumbling into the Seekonk River, will be awarded to whichever team constructs the tallest marshmallow spaghetti stick tower.
“We thought we’d go with a tried and true approach to construction,” said McKee at a press conference in front of the dilapidated bridge.
Newly unearthed primary-source documents have proved that Oldport was pissed when Newport showed up in southern Rhode Island.
“Woke up yesterday after a hard day’s work taking care of my pilgrims. Guess what I saw? New bitch in my city. Walking around like she owns the place,” reads the opening of Oldport’s diary entry from 1639.
An investigation confirmed that the solar eclipse was staged by Brown Admissions as a scheme to get students on the Main Green for brochure photos.
“We looked closely into the issue and found extensive proof that the whole thing was a hoax,” said a student representative from Brown Flat Earth Society.
A new report from experts at Brown have confirmed that the only thing constant across the multiverse is Dean of The College Rashid Zia double concentrating in Engineering and English.
“We’ve recently discovered that even the laws of physics do not apply equally to all universes, but Dean Zia embodies the spirit of the Open Curriculum in all dimensions,” said Astrophysicist Samson Clark, taking note of the billions of Dean Zias, using billions of different dialects, to communicate the Brunonian mindset grounded in independent, innovative leaders.
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