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The Brown Noser

Madame Sych's Horoscopes

Published Friday, April 21st, 2017

Gemini: Today is a good day, Gemini. After a rough week where your social and work lives seemed to spin out of control, you will have good sex with an attractive acquaintance.

Cancer: Today you will find yourself in an argument with a business associate or colleague. Breathe deeply, Cancer, and listen to the other side of the story. The dispute will be resolved when you two make love in your office with the door open.

Leo: Hurry back to your bedroom, Leo. You have about 15 minutes before your sex marathon with that barista begins.

Virgo: Today may feel like a day where your head is in a cloud. But don’t worry, Virgo, tonight you will bang so much and so well that you will not be capable of getting aroused for weeks.

Libra: You will find a new interest in the workings of the universe tonight, Libra, after that DJ who has been texting you comes over.

Capricorn: Prepare, Capricorn. Today you will receive a text from a 1800 number. It will be the CEO of a fortune-500 company. They will give you the address of their Manhattan offices. You will go and have mind-blowing sex for 15 minutes on the desk of a midlevel manager during their lunch break. You won’t ever mention this to anyone.

Aquarius: You will have sex with your spouse today, Aquarius. It will not be great, but it will be better than last time and you will appreciate that.

Pisces: You could be planning for a vacation or a business trip. Either way, today is the perfect day to do this. This afternoon you will have random sex with a travel agent. They will be very knowledgeable and can help you get a good deal on a flight.

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