Tuesday, September 25, 2018
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The Brown Noser

Hostage Tries To Let Captors Know He Is Gluten-Sensitive Right Away So Not To Inconvenience Them

Published Friday, September 14th, 2018

Sources report that hostage, Charlie Kanter, attempted to let his captors know about his sensitivity to gluten as soon as possible so as not to inconvenience them.

“Anything with wheat, rye, barley, or malt really upsets my stomach,” Kanter explained to his captors as they drove him to the secure location where they would keep him until his ransom was paid. “It upsets my stomach, I hope there aren’t any issues cooking for me. But I’m pretty easy going with this so don’t stress too much about it."

“I also don’t like green peppers,” he later explained when his captors briefly removed the duct tape gag from his mouth. "But if you’ve already prepared the meal and they’re in there, totally no big deal. I can just eat around them. I also stay away from corn, and most ketchups have corn syrup, but don’t worry I always carry around some of the brand I like.”

“Should I take my shoes off outside?” asked Kanter before being led into the room where he was to be imprisoned. “I just want to make sure. It’s not my house, not my rules.”

At press time, after being given dirty drinking water in a bucket, Kanter asked if he should use a coaster.

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