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Sources close to Kingston resident Matthew Arkell report that the 34-year-old hot air balloon enthusiast must not be familiar with planes, aircraft that move through the sky quickly and efficiently.
“It’s so amazing to go up there and just float,” said the delusional Arkell, clearly unaware of the fact that he could be in Europe in under seven hours if he took a plane, even a pretty slow one. “It’s so peaceful.”
Arkell spoke at length about the “magic” of balloon flight, making statements he would almost certainly retract if he were to learn that hundreds of huge metal machines were zipping thousands of passengers across the sky above his head every day.
“It’s my favorite feeling in the whole world,” said Arkell, referring to bumping along a few hundred feet up tethered to a big canvas bag and not zooming through the skies at several times the speed of sound in craft that passengers can sit down in, an experience he must’ve somehow escaped knowledge of, or else he would’ve chosen that.
According to his friends and family, Arkell willingly spends money maintaining his hot-air balloon, and travels to festivals across the Northeast to meet with other apparently oblivious enthusiasts, who he apparently believes comprise a “vibrant community.”
“Nothing compares to a hot-air balloon,” lied Arkell, unless he truly has never heard of aircraft like the SR-71 Blackbird, a stealth plane that can outrun surface-to-air missiles, or even F-16 jets, which are featured in a ton of movies and are probably some of the coolest jets. “I just feel so lucky.”
At press time, Arkell was lazily floating over the countryside and having an incredibly good time.
