Partly Cloudy, 64°
Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here! I’ve got genuine Viiiienna beef hot dogs packed with enough poison to end your life—I mean hot dogs, regular hot dogs! Just $4.75 a pop!
Who’s feeling hungry? Because folks I’ve got peanuts for you! Cracker Jacks! 10ml of Dimethylmercury—and beer! Ice cold beer here!
We have Coors, Bud Lite! There’s no way you’re leaving this stadium alive—What? Who said that? Get your beeeeeer right here, ladies and gentlemen! Get it while you—while it lasts!
Ma’am! Your kids look like they could use a malt cup or a frooooozen lemonade! Tell you what? You buy three, I’ll knock $5 off the total and throw in some deadly poison free of charge! When you eat this you’re going to break into a feverish sweat and then paralysis will set in and you’re done for, do you hear me? Done for—All right, thank you for the tip! Phew, that was a close one. Salted pretzels!
Anyone need any condiments for their Fenway franks? I have enough polonium to knock out a full-grown African elephant—Never mind! I said ketchup! Relish! I have ketchup and relish.
$14 out of $20 means $6 dollars is your change. Enjoy the popcorn! I won’t rest until every last spectator in this goddamn stadium gets poisoned by one of my deadly ballpark snacks—No sir, I did not just say poison. Nope, no poison here! Poison in ballpark food? That would be crazy! How could you even think such a terrible—Oh, there’s the seventh inning stretch song!
Take me out to the ballgame! Take me out to the crowd! Buy me some peanuts and de-shell them and replace the peanuts with Drano then stitch the shells back together and season with arsenic! Arsenic! HAHAH—at the ooooold baaalllll gaammeeee!
Lee-mo-nade! Leeee-mooo-naaade! Wash down your hot dog stuffed with poison and razorblades with some cold leee-mo-nade! Forget what I said about the razorblades folks, I’ve got leee-mo-nade! Woo!
I don’t care what you eat, I only care that you die. I am but a humble servant of Beelzebub sent from hell to tamper with stadium fare and serve it to you emphatically—I’ve got Dippin’ Dots if you’re too hot and hot chocolate if you’re too cold! You want it, I’ve got it! But there’s nothing out of the ordinary!
Are you scared? Hot dogs! You should be.
