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The Brown Noser

How’d You Make It To The Top Of This Mountain? No One's Gotten Up Here Alive In Years..... by The Mountain Man

Published Friday, October 30th, 2020

My god… How’d you make it to the top of this mountain? No one’s gotten up here alive in years… I barely heard you knocking on the door of my hovel because of the howling winds of the blizzard. You’ve interrupted my work but please come in and make yourself at home, there are carved stone chairs to sit on.

Forgive my manners, I’m the Mountain Man. I was born on this mountain and never left… every day I walk along the craggy pass you just came from checking for travelers, but they come so rarely I don’t expect them anymore. I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how did you make it up the Smooth Ice Wall? How did you safely pass the Caves of Fire? Were you not troubled by the Cliff-Goblins and their bone-spears? Did the Gates of Deception not deceive you? I’m impressed you made it this far, traveler… perhaps you’d like to buy a carved stone chair as a souvenir?

I also can’t figure out how you got through the Poison Pass, or the Toxic Tunnel, or the Noxious Narrows. Were the Ice Gargoyles not guarding the Eastern Slope? Did the Astral Attack Hounds not pick up your scent? Aye, traveler, your wiles impress the Mountain Man greatly. You seem to have gotten up the treacherous mountain so easily, surely it wouldn’t be too difficult to carry a carved stone chair on the way back down… why don’t you buy one or two from me?

Traveler, you’re the first person to make it all the way to the top of the mountain, to me, the Mountain Man, in many years. This is a truly impressive accomplishment, maybe one you could celebrate with a fine carved stone chair? I can see how comfortable you are in that one, it’s a pretty fetching shape. Throw me a fucking bone here, renting a hovel on the top of a mountain isn’t cheap!

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