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Lowering the visor on the gleaming Iron Man suit he recently bought, Provost Locke apologized for taking so long to give students the $4.8 million in federal COVID relief funds the University received last year.
“Understandably, some students have raised questions about our lengthy timeline for distributing the federal student relief funds that Brown was awarded in April and December 2020,” Locke said, absentmindedly thumbing the glowing mechanical core now embedded in his chest. “We haven’t always been as clear as we could be in communicating the many ways we’re supporting our students.”
As Locke fired a few stray laser beams from his palms to test out his custom-fit gauntlets, he explained that the University has spared no expense to provide financial assistance to students throughout the pandemic.
“I apologize for our failure to communicate this and the concern it has created for some of our students,” Locke continued, activating his foot rocket boosters and blasting off high above the skyline. “Sometimes, we focus so much on the ‘doing’ that we don’t always get it right when it comes to distributing support funds allocated to students by the federal government.”
At press time, Locke was spotted driving home in his luxurious new batmobile.
